Towards a Vampire-Free Christmas



It was Christmas day

and the mass garlic shortage panics

were once again starting to sweep America.

What if vampires were to use our lowered vigilance

at Christmas to attack.?

Would little Baby Jesus be safe in the manager scene?

Was there enough garlic to put around his neck?

As it was Christmas everyone took time to reflect

and have a good long think.

Some of us used this time to change the oil

in our cars that was at least 2000 miles overdue.


Christmas Card


 So when my cat jumps up in my lap when I’m in the recliner

she always go through a routine I call the “Paw Paw”.

She does this kneading thing with her front paws,

which evidentially may go back to when she was a kitten

getting ready to feed from Mom.



However, when she does the Paw Paw in my lap

she always ends up targeting my crotch with claws out.

I appreciate the gesture of affection, but not the pain.


This year when she started her painful routine,

I took the arm cover off the chair and put it down

my sweats for some padded protection.

Much better as she continued with her kneading

I lean back in the chair, close my eyes,

and think what a great holiday.


The next thing I hear is: “Oh my God!”

As I look up and 3 family members as well as 2 guests

are observing with ashen faces the cat tap dancing

on this big padded bulge at my crotch.




Happy Holidays.

Tarzan’s Christmas Surprise

31 - Copy - Copy (2)


Tarzan stood in his driveway on Christmas morning hands on hips.


I pick bananas for Cheetah and swing through the jungle on a vine.

Who would get me a hovercraft?

And its shark week on PBS!


Has this monkey been vetted?

Fully vetted?

Extreme vetted?

Has that banana been vetted?

OK. I’ll take back the hovercraft.

Go ahead and get in the sleigh Cheetah.


Tarzan: Thanks Santa.

Born on Christmas



Wouldn’t be great if your birthday were on Christmas?

Then people could say: “Here’s your birthday present.

It’s also your Christmas present.”

Or: “Here’s your Christmas present. It’s also your birthday present.”

Then people would be substantially less likely to forget your birthday present

or your Christmas present because they would be the same.

Of course, you would only get half the number of total presents.

The number you would get if you were celebrating each separately.

Like a normal human being.

How to be a Gracious Guest



When invited to a party it’s always good manners to bring something.
A bottle of wine. (not poisoned)
A dessert dish. (not poisoned)
Some rat poison. (likely somewhat poisoned)

It depends in large part on the kind of household you visiting,
their customs and traditions, as well as their level of rat infestation.

One of those electric fly zappers that the flies fly into,
spark and catch on fire, and then you can smell the fly burning
may also be appropriate under certain circumstances.
For example, if they have an excessive number of flies
due to dead rats.

Sometimes it’s nice to provide your host with a dish such as a breakfast bread,
that they can enjoy the morning following the party when they are tired from a prior evening
of entertaining.
Preferably, one in a rat-proof container that the rats won’t be able to gnaw through before your
friends can enjoy it.
If you are feeling in a romantic mood, which would be really weird as you are likely showing up to your friend’s house who is already married and you are probably there with your significant other as well, but nothing about you surprises me anymore.
You could bring some flowers or a plant.
One that might be poisonous to rats when gnawed upon.

Finally, the truly thoughtful guest will bring a leaf blower
to blow all the rats off the other guests and clear a path to the dinner table.

Santa Claus and the Invisible Man



Who is more powerful?

Santa Claus or the Invisible Man?

What if Santa Claus was also the Invisible Man?

He had the power to turn invisible when he wanted.

That could explain how he sees you when you’re sleeping.

My theory is based upon taking a shower in the morning

and finding someone else peeing in the shower at the same time.