the day my fly was open

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It started just after breakfast.

I got up to pay the waitress and she mentioned that my fly was open.

How embarrassing.

When I got on the bus the driver also mentioned that my fly was open,

as well as 3 or 4 other passengers before I was able to take my seat.

The day was not off to a good start.

When I arrived at the office my boss’s administrative assistant

let me know my fly was open.

Then everyone at the group meeting did as well.

Plus, my boss.

Plus, the CEO.

And so it went throughout the day

People letting me know my fly was open.

Everyone else in the office.

4 or 5 people from adjoining tables when we went out to lunch.

Our biggest client when he visited in the afternoon.

Before the day was over nearly everyone had let me know that my fly was open.

The fireman.

The 3 nuns.

The clown with the balloon.

The woman with the restraining order.

The police officer.

Finally, when I got home I took off the pants.

Thankful to be out of them and their open fly.

It was the worst day of my life.

Until the next day when I had to wear them again,

because I had no clean laundry.

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Journaling

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It seemed like everyone from the Pope to Mahatma Gandhi was accelerating

their personal growth through the powerful self-development tool of “journaling.”

So, not wanting to be a bridesmaid, I decided jump on the “journaling” bandwagon.

Here’s an example of how it went…

I had…I had never seen a human being wearing such a big pair of underpants.

My Mom: How and what the hell are you doing in here?!

Me: The window and looking for Kryptonite?

Me: Hey, Pope.

Hey, Mahatma Gandhi

How did you get in here?

Pope: The Window.

Gandhi: Got any Kryptonite?

Pope: Whoa. Draped over that tuba.

That’s the biggest pair of underpants I’ve ever seen.

Me: Yeah, my Mom’s. She’s in the other room or through the other window.

Gandhi Who feels like marching to the sea with me to make salt?

Pope: Get your Mom son. She can lead the parade wearing those underpants.

Me: I watch the parade on Thanksgiving.

Gandhi: Hey, what’s with Pope. He’s going through that other window.

Popeye: Where’s me spinach?

You land lubbers sure like your Kryptonite.

Abraham Lincoln: I miss my wooden friend Pinocchio.

Santa Claus: Who the f**k pitched a tent over my tuba?!

Superman: Sorry I’m late. Ahhhh, Kryptonite!

My Mom: Can you be a dear and zip me up.

Who were all those voices out here?

Sounded like a party.

Me: Just me Mom.

Journaling…

Literary Geniuses and a Bunch of Nobodies Pontificate on Happiness

Back from gym…

 

No pleasure is comparable to the standing upon the vantage-ground of truth.

– Francis Bacon

Sound like you need to watch more television.

 

Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle,

and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases

by being shared.

– Buddha

Are you the guy that burned down the Burger King?

 

I can think of nothing less pleasurable than a life devoted to pleasure.

– John D. Rockefeller

I can think of about a million things less pleasurable. Try being poor.

How is it possible to have so much money and be so stupid?

 

Happiness is as a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp,

but which if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.

– Nathaniel Hawthorne

Good thing they didn’t have drug testing in your day.

 

Happiness, it seems to me, consists of two things: first, in being

where you belong, and second — and best — in comfortably going through

everyday life, that is, having had a good night’s sleep and not being

hurt by new shoes.

– Theodor Fontane

So it comes down to new shoes? Are you a woman?  If you’re a guy no wonder no one

has ever hear of you.

 

Why not let people differ about their answers to the great mysteries of the Universe?

Let each seek one’s own way to the highest, to one’s own sense of supreme loyalty in life,

one’s ideal of life. Let each philosophy, each world-view bring forth its truth and beauty to a

larger perspective, that people may grow in vision, stature and dedication.

– Algernon Black

I couldn’t agree more, although to ensure my own happiness I had  to stop

reading after 1st sentence.

 

Happiness: We rarely feel it.
I would buy it, beg it, steal it,
Pay in coins of dripping blood
For this one transcendent good.

– Amy Lowell

The “coins of dripping blood” part sound pretty cool.

Kind of like “vampire happiness.”

I’m making a “fangs” motion with my two fingers right now.

 

The world has to learn that the actual pleasure derived from material

things is of rather low quality on the whole and less even in quantity than

it looks to those who have not tried it.

– Oliver Wendell Holmes

Whoever you are, possibly an ex-President, you are definitely over-thinking

this stuff Wendell.

 

Happiness is not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement,

in the thrill of creative effort.

– Franklin D. Roosevelt

Translation: Money makes you happy…and then some other words.

 

The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. I have no wealth to

bestow on him. If he knows that I am happy in loving him, he will want no other reward.

Is not friendship divine in this?

– Henry David Thoreau

Both you and your friend need to watch more television.

 

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.

– Mohandas K. Gandhi

I get the impression you are trying to say something here, but reading all

these words that depend upon the previous words is makes me have to watch

some television.

 

But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life;

and thanks to a benevolent arrangement of things, the greater part of life is sunshine.

– Thomas Jefferson

You actually talk this way in front of your friend?!  No wonder you were assassinated

at Ford Theatre.

 

I also realized that there are gloves that do things that other gloves can’t possibly do,

like let you stick your hands in hydrochloric acid.

– Martha Stewart

Not really a “happiness” quote , but where can I get a pair of these gloves!!

 

To fill the hour — that is happiness.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

You sound like my boss and his mindless hour filling meetings.

 

I don’t know why we are here, but I’m pretty sure that it is not in order

to enjoy ourselves.

– Ludwig Wittgenstein

Sounds like you were in the same meeting with Ralph, myself, and my boss.

 

Here we are the way politics ought to be in America; the politics of happiness,

the politics of purpose and the politics of joy.

– Hubert H. Humphrey

I think you forgot “The Politics of Dancing.”

 

Consider the following. We humans are social beings. We come into the world

as the result of others’ actions. We survive here in dependence on others. Whether we

like it or not, there is hardly a moment of our lives when we do not benefit from others’ activities.

For this reason it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises

in the context of our relationships with others.

– Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama

If happiness is based on quote word count you are the happiest!

 

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power

to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead,

tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.

– Groucho Marx

I open my eyes and say: “Hey, I’m still alive. Then I pee. Until I take that good morning pee

it’s really hard to be happy.”

 

Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would

lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come

along with patience and equanimity.

– Carl Jung

Level with me. You got beat up a lot as a kid?

 

It is an illusion that youth is happy, an illusion of those who have lost it.

– W. Somerset Maugham

You’ve  definitely lost it Somerset. PS. Nice name for getting beat up as a kid.

 

Gratefulness is the key to a happy life that we hold in our hands, because if we

are not grateful, then no matter how much we have we will not be happy — because we will always

want to have something else or something more.

– David Steindl-Rast

I was grateful to be done reading this and happy.

Thus, your theory is correct.

 

If you observe a really happy man you will find him building a boat, writing a symphony,

educating his son, growing double dahlias in his garden. He will not be searching for happiness

as if it were a collar button that has rolled under the radiator.

– W. Beran Wolfe

Obviously, you have never lost a collar button!

When you have once seen the glow of happiness on the face of a beloved person, you know that a man can

have no vocation but to awaken that light on the faces surrounding him; and you are torn by the thought of

the unhappiness and night you cast, by the mere fact of living, in the hearts you encounter.

– Albert Camus

Likewise,  you have obviously never lost a collar button.

Summary:

Happiness boils down to money, sex, and television.

Television is easiest to get.

Thus, explaining the universal popularity of television.

 

How to Nail that $250K Technical Job Interview

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First, stop listening to any advice by some blogger they hired on Marketwatch

to cover the topic, unless he/she is making 250K+ a year or has interviewed and successfully been

in such a job.

Second, ignore HR professionals and their suggestions. The hiring decision is made by the technical

talent and the boss who has responsibility for the success of such a hire/program/endeavor.

HR professionals are a distraction and merely get in the way.

Third, if you get hired. Your word is not your word. Your performance/execution is your word. You’re on

trial until you prove you can deliver.

Here are some video clips on one such  job preparation.

I was interviewing as the program manager for the developing the next generation camera system

for Google Earth and Street View. It is an interesting and rather complicated database management trick

that allows you to switch from zooming in from Earth View to transitioning to Street View. I studied and

understand the algorithm.

I was contacted because I had previously for 6 years been the Director of Program Management for a

company that developed such imaging systems. Ours was in the first iphone. All of this imaging

technology had its start in NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena California. It was primarily for

the military, as such after the Soviet Union opened up in the early 1990’s we had about 20 Soviet

Military imaging experts on staff.

One time after we went through a particularly painful grilling by management, I turned to my Soviet

colleague Dr. A and asked how he could keep such calm, composure under such grilling.

His response regarding griller: “S” is an angel. “S” is an angel compared to KGB…and from decisions

made today…  nobody is going to die.

That helped my perspective quite a bit.

When it was found out that I was interviewing for next generation Google Earth…this brought in a much

bigger suitor with a lot more money than Google.

The kind that if you land the position, you cannot list on your resume or Linked In profile.

You can perhaps put during this time: “Technology/Program Management Consultant.”

They have rather strict conditions of employment.

No tattoos.

No identifying marks.

It’s EAL7 work

Good luck on your interview.

 

 

Good luck.

Spanish for Porcupine

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Noticing the building is on fire you go up to the the 27th floor
window and look down on the crowd.

Then you throw the porcupine out
the window and yell:
Somebody catch my baby!!!

The crowd will usually do the honorable thing.

One time the porcupine was filled with candy.
He told me his name was “Piñata.”
which is Spanish for porcupine.

Candy

candy

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At first I thought it was funny that there was no candy.

Then I thought  we were all going to die.

Then I laughed until I wet my pants.

Then I was put on a suicide watch because there was no candy.

 

When the man with the candy finally arrived we treated him

like a lost Gnome returning from Siberia.

In other words, we killed him and took all his candy.

 

The first thing we did was go through all the candy bags

to confirm they did not contain any snakes.

Amanda ate too much candy too quickly, got a sugar rush,

and fell out the window.

Ted put Bar-B-Q sauce on his candy indicating

he was likely from Texas.

 

I thought about putting some of the candy in a piñata

and hitting it with a stick as everyone would enjoy this.

Instead, to save time I just hit Ted with the stick.

And we all took his candy.

People seemed to enjoy this.

 

Ted made the inappropriate comment that we had hired Amanda,

because she was a piece of eye candy.

I went over to Amanda and put my eye against her shoulder.

She politely said: “What the f**k are you doing!”

And then poked me in the eye.

I went back to Ted and hit him again with the stick.

 

We invited all our friends over to enjoy the candy,

but when we realized this would result in less candy

for each of us we locked them in the basement.

I saw an airplane fly by outside the window and wondered

if they were after our candy.

To be safe, I called the police and told them there was a bomb

on that airplane.

 

The President stopped by and asked if we had any candy.

I called the police again and told them that the President

had planted the bomb on the airplane.

 

Later, after eating so much candy that we nearly popped,

in order to protect ourselves from potential tooth decay,

we brushed out teeth.

 

And then I hit Ted again with the stick.

U.S. History as Currently Taught at American Colleges

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Seriously, doesn’t it make more sense
that dinosaurs built the pyramids than man.

We are denying the fossil record when we say
dinosaurs did not wear hats.

They destroyed the photographic evidence that indicated
dinosaurs reached the moon first.

Have you ever asked yourself why when you go to the butcher and there
is a package labeled “Dinosaur Meat”, why there’s a picture of a bunny
rabbit on the label?

The United States Government claims the dinosaur autopsies conducted
in Area 51 are mostly fake. Mostly.

Later that day when you meet God in Heaven…
God: Sorry, pal dinosaurs only.