the other side

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there are some people

you will encounter in life

who should both fear

and not fear

for they have already lived

a full life beyond most standards

and should have been dead

perhaps 20 years past

so, they have also already died once

they are like a prisoner on death row

in their own life

they have nothing to lose

treat them as such

for although on earth

they live on the other side

how I envy them

if you are an honest and good person

you have nothing to fear

if you are not

God has placed them in a unique position

to enforce God’s rule of law

without consequences

because they have already died once

and cleared God’s security check

on the other side

When I Found God in Godzilla

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Sometimes you need a sunshine optimist.

Or a scapegoat.

Or an indecisive decision maker.

Or a forgetful professor.

Or a go-to-person.

I can never tell which.

That’s too many choices, so I usually just go with the scapegoat.

Or no. The indecisive decision maker.

Or no. The chicken trainer.

Looks like I left him off the list.

Guess I shouldn’t have had the forgetful professor put the list together.

He hates chickens.

He has what you would call an anti-chicken bias.

He teaches at the Chicken University.

I still don’t know how he got tenure.

It’s like the disappointment you feel

when you lose at a game of paintball.

Because your paintball gun jammed.

Because you were using real bullets.

Sometimes it’s right there in front of you.

Like when I found God in Godzilla.

I hear God talking to me

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I hear God talking to me

in the whisper between the leaves

in the wind

Leaves: This was a God damn private conversation.

How about you mind your own business A-hole.

 

I hear God talking to me in the babbling brook.

Brooke: I wasn’t babbling!

But maybe you did hear God talking to you as I’ll repeat.

Where are my God damn panties!

Find them and take me to breakfast!!!

 

I hear God talking to me…

God: Hey, I wasn’t talking to you.

I was talking Brooke.

Here’s your panties.

Brooke: Good. Let’s go to IHOP!!!

 

My Shark Bitey

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Me: Love boat karaoke. SS Minnow-style little buddy.

Judge: So, you admit to being naked in that night club?

Me: Sideways Sponge Bob Dali Lama.

DA: So everybody had a tattoo but you?

Me: Don’t tread on me. Hula hoop orgy. Ed Sullivan.

Ex-President Obama: So, you’re saying a Henna hair dye would cover up the white?

Me: Lefty-loosey. Righty-tighty.

Good God all mighty.

Might makes right…

Kiss the snake good nighty.

Nighty-night. Nighty.

Meet my shark his name’s Bitey

Obama: So, they would have that color at Walmart?

That is righty.

godsshotgun

Uncle Matt KIA

I’ve spent my entire life sharpening my bullets
like row upon row upon row of metal teeth
that are shed when the shark is biting
riding the night sky lightening
lighting the night sky writing
God’s hand is forced
to sign his own name

regarding all unsettled business
the Devil’s keeping score
and I will see you when I see you

God is riding shotgun
I’m riding God’s shotgun

whatsharkslike

Bitey: Besides eating fish, seals, and humans I like cheese.

Tales of the Road Donut

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I decided to start trying my potential Halloween outfits out early this year, so on Ground Hog’s Day

I went to church dressed as a zombie.

The Priest met me with a sawed-off shotgun and said:

“Have you met God? Would you like to meet him?!!”

Me: You bet!

The next thing I know is I’m up in Heaven and there’s God rolling a 50-foot donut down the road….

using a stick like the children playing in the 1880’s.

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

That God was rolling such a big donut down the road.

Such a big donut without “sprinkles.”

Later, at orientation he asked if I would like a piece of his “road donut.”

Me to self: Jesus, what is wrong with this guy?

Me  politely to  God: No thank you sir, I prefer “sprinkles.”

God pulled out his magic fairy wand waiving it and transforming the 50-foot “non-sprinkled” donut

into a million donut holes.

He smiled and nodded at me.

I smiled and nodded back at God.

Me to self: Jesus, what is wrong with this guy’s hearing?

I don’t know if that monkey can pilot a dirigible.

I opened my little music box and noticed that the ballerina had broken during the flight from Earth.

Yes…..Heaven was truly turning out to be Hell.

The Miracle Duck

duck

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Everybody came from miles around to see the “miracle duck.”

He quacked and quacked and quacked some more.

Then everyone exclaimed excitedly:

”Oh my God, a duck that quacks!

It’s a miracle!”

 

A duck quacking.

That’s a miracle?

Well, I guess it doesn’t take much

to be considered a miracle now a days.

 

Then I started my lonely walk home

past the haunted cemetery.

The wind howled through the dead trees.

I could feel the bitter cold of death in my joints now.

It was at that moment that I understood my own mortality.

That my life on this earth was slipping away a year at a time

each year faster than the last.

 

Then I felt a cold hand upon my shoulder!

Without looking back I exclaimed: “Oh, my God, a duck with a hand!”

“It’s a miracle!”

 

Bay Area band signed to Lars of Metallica’s record label.

Excellent band early 2000’s.