Santa Claus in the Land of Oz

santa

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The Tin Man just stood there at the urinal

in the men’s room frozen.

He had tried to take a pee and things had rusted shut.

Again.

 

Dorothy came in.

You know to carry your oil can with you.

Especially, with your overactive bladder.

Here let me help you I have your oil can.

Are you doing this deliberately?

Tin Man smiled silently to himself.

 

Scarecrow walks in…

Hey, guys what’s this some kind of a party.

Oh my God!

I just ate lunch.

 

Cowardly Lion walks out of a bathroom stall humming.

Goes to sink and washes hands.

Turns around and looks at his tail area.

Son-of-a-bitch!

Not again. Not the fur.

Why does this always happen?

 

Scarecrow: Oh my God!

I just ate lunch.

 

Dorothy: You guys all live together right.

No girlfriends right.

Hard to figure.

 

Santa Claus walks in.

Santa: What the hell’s going on in here?

This some kind of a party?

Look at that guy’s fur.

 

And what’s going on with that oil can over there?

Oh my God!

I just ate lunch.

 

Do any of you have gum?

Never mind, I doubt any of you have washed your hands.

 

You there straw boy, you look like the only normal one here.

Where is the best place around here to buy a monkey?

 

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Inflatable Santa

Inflatable Santa drives in the car pool lane with me.

On an expired license from the North Pole.

Inflatable Santa can be used as a flotation device in a swimming pool.

Inflatable Santa is not a sex doll, so back off  Dave.

I would have thought that Inflatable Santa

would have come with some inflatable elves.

Or at least an inflatable snowman or some inflatable penguins.

Again, Dave none of these are sex dolls.

So, please go back to your cubicle.

Inflatable Santa stands alone in his inflatability.

Like a solitary inflatable sentry.

Guarding the entrance of some place.

Some place that likely serves vegan donuts

Shudder.

Behold Inflatable Santa and tremble.

He seems like a nice guy and I’m sure

he would appreciate the gesture.

His pet is a balloon animal dog.

Every Saturday they go to the park.

Vegan donut eaters abound.

You probably don’t want to take your children to this park.

Dave, the balloon animal dog is also not a sex doll.

Yes.

Yes.

Dave, please get off of inflatable Rudolph’s leg.

Dave.

Please get off of my leg.

A Frankenstein Christmas

 

frankenstein

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First the cavemen built a snowman out of rocks.

They stacked 3 rocks of decreasing size on top of each other

and then used 2 rocks for eyes and a rock for a nose.

These rocks dropped to the ground.

Then the cavemen dragged a large rock into their cave

and made a Christmas tree out of it.

They decorated it with rocks as ornaments

and put a rock on top as a star.

Those rocks dropped to the ground.

Finally, the 3 wise men arrived at their cave.

The guy bringing frankincense was Frankenstein.

Over the years Christmas traditions and practices

were further refined.

Frankenstein’s role was gradually reduced.

Christmas at the Children’s Zoo

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Albino Rhino and Vanilla Gorilla were dressed

as elf greeters at the Children’s Zoo.

The gingerbread man and his family came in

to feed the baby goats.

Unfortunately, the porcupine we had spray-painted gold

and were using as a star at the top of the 50 foot Christmas Tree

fell and landed on the gingerbread man and his family pulverizing

them into crumbs.

We fed their crumbs to the baby goats.

Albino Rhino: I hate white sugar frosting.

Vanilla Gorilla: Good. Let’s burn that gingerbread house to the ground.

here comes Santa Claus

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here comes Santa Claus
here comes Santa Claus
breaking down your door
trying to take you away

here comes Santa Claus
here comes Santa Claus
kicking in the face of your
jack-o-lantern because
its Christmas Day
sure he gave that cough
syrup from China to
the Easter Bunny
but not in a way that
would stand up in court
he bought his best
friend Jesus a birthday
present  which was his
Christmas present too
because the stores
were all closed
and he’s buying
a stairway to heaven

here comes Santa Claus
here comes Santa Claus
oops… I’m Santa Claus
she made both my naughty
and my nice list
she made the 2nd list
because she made the first list
she came
to the North Pole
to give me a North Pole pole dance
her favorite part
of the ginger bread house
is the weight bearing candy cane
it goes up and down
up and down
when she spots me
as I do pushups
and she’s buying
a stairway to heaven