the raincoat question

raincoat

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Everybody watched in stunned silence as the water balloons
started arriving from outer space.
With a splish here and a splash there.
At first it seemed like fun.

Then the larger balloons started to arrive.
The size of the Hindenburg only filled with water.
We were taking an awful pounding.
One balloon hit a duck.

Gradually, the blitzkrieg subsided.
The oceans receded back to their proper place.
Someone toweled off the duck.
And the man who had been proclaiming the end of the world
put his squirt gun back in his raincoat.

Many years passed.
Eventually we returned to the moon.
When we got there we were greeted by a duck with an umbrella.
He asked why were dressed in raincoats.
In raincoats with nothing on underneath.

We had to admit that was a good question.

 

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tales of the road donut

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I decided to start trying my potential Halloween outfits out early this year, so on Ground Hog’s Day

I went to church dressed as a zombie.

The Priest met me with a sawed-off shotgun and said:

“Have you met God? Would you like to meet him?!!”

Me: You bet!

The next thing I know is I’m up in Heaven and there’s God rolling a 50-foot donut down the road….

using a stick like the children playing in the 1880’s.

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

That God was rolling such a big donut down the road.

Such a big donut without “sprinkles.”

(Yes, Santa Claus is God.)

Later, at orientation he asked if I would like a piece of his “road donut.”

Me to self: Jesus, what is wrong with this guy?

Me politely to God: No thank you sir, I prefer “sprinkles.”

God pulled out his magic fairy wand waiving it and transforming the 50-foot “non-sprinkled” donut

into a million donut holes.

He smiled and nodded at me.

I smiled and nodded back at God.

Me to self: Jesus, what is wrong with this guy’s hearing?

I don’t know if that monkey can pilot a dirigible.

I opened my little music box and noticed that the ballerina had broken during the flight from Earth.

Yes…..Heaven was truly turning out to be Hell.

 

too many alligators

too_many_alligators

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My cat tapped gently on my face to wake me.

She meowed: “There’s too many alligators.”

Me: Preposterous.

My cat: Hippopotamus.

There was a sharp knock at my front door.

When I answered, I looked out across the front lawn.

There was indeed… too many alligators.

There they were, every color of the rainbow symbolizing…

OK, symbolizing nothing.

I just didn’t feel like drawing them all green.

I put on my marching band leader’s hat and began the slow,

arduous march to town with the alligators.

I sat down in the barber’s chair.

Barber: There’s too many alligators.

Barber: And you’re going to have to take off that hat.

judgment day

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The apartment policy said clearly: “No ducks.”
And it was in the lease: “No ducks.”
It was pretty clear: “No ducks.”
And yet I had a duck.

I and my duck were living beyond the law.
I often wondered what God would think
about this on Judgment Day.

Then the doorbell rang.
It was the mummy I had ordered.
It finally arrived.
I had completely forgotten about it,
having ordered it before Christmas.

I took him out of his crate a posed him on the couch
as if he were watching TV,
so he could become comfortable in his new home.
Also, as a crime deterrent for people looking in my window.

Later down by the pool my duck and I sat on chaise lounges.
A little dog paddled up, got out of the pool, and pulled out his clipboard.

Little Dog:”Well, it’s Judgment Day.”
He said looking down at his clipboard.
Little Dog: “Congratulations you both get into Heaven.”

My duck and I high-fived each other.
My duck quacked.

Then the little dog looked down at his clipboard.
He looked up at me.
He looked down at his clipboard.
Little Dog: “Hmmmm.”

He looked up at me:
Little Dog: “You’re not the mummy are you?”

 

 

the only real aphrodisiacs

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The only real aphrodisiacs are money and catnip.

If you have a lot of money women will be drawn to you.

Same thing if you have a lot of catnip.

If you don’t have a lot of money I suggest you grow a lot of catnip.

Unless you don’t like cats.

Cats are drawn to catnip as well.

No one said life was easy.

 

Catnip overdose.

Please be careful.

Who’s in Bed with the Saudi’s?

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I pride myself on my political activism.

Who doesn’t now-a-days?

Challenging complacency in our democracy.

Calling our leaders task.

Making a difference.

Examples:

Me at the Libertarian fund raiser with major candidates.

Me: I want to know…

Who’s in bed with the Saudis?!!

Silence.

Just as I suspected.

Me at speech being given by Secretary of the Treasury

on plans to fix the economy.

Me: I want to know…

Who’s in bed with the Saudis?!!

Silence.

The silence was deafening.

Me as the House Minority Leader addressed why they would be using

pink carnations for the Labor Day brunch table setting instead

of yellow and white.

Me: I want to know…

Who’s in bed with the Saudis?!!

Silence.

The House Minority Leader walks up to me and begins to whisper in my ear.

Me: Yeah.

What?

Saudis.

Saudia Arabia?

Saudia Arabia is a country?!!

I thought Saudi’s were those long little dogs with short legs.

Yeah, come to think about it I guess those are wiener dogs.

Thank you for that clarification.

Me: OK. I want to know…

Who’s in bed with the wiener dogs?!!

 

misunderstood

frankie

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Frankenstein loved his curly fries.

And he loved his chocolate milkshakes.

And he really loved his onion rings.

He had  worked up an appetite

killing all the town’s people.

Frankenstein was misunderstood.

And he was sensitive about being misunderstood.

Being misunderstood hurt his feelings.

He killed all the town’s people because

that’s what Frankenstein monsters do.

Now he sat in a new town where there

were still people alive to serve him food.

He hated strawberry milkshakes.

Especially when served with his curly fries and onion rings.

As he sat in his booth he thought to himself:

“I’m going to exchange this strawberry milkshake

for a proper chocolate milkshake.”

“I hate being misunderstood.”

“Especially, before I kill everybody.”