Awkward Social Situation

disgust

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When people ask me if I have a girl friend

I am too embarrassed to say “No”.

It’s an awkward social situation.

So, I tell them I’m in a same-sex relationship with myself.

Which, without giving details,

I suppose is technically is correct.

You can ask my right hand.

 

This turns people’s faces to an emotion

that I would characterize as “disgust.”

 

But at least it’s not awkward.

My Boss’s Interview from Hell

9-copy-copy-10

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Satan: Why do you want to work here?

Boss: Everyone’s been telling me I should go here?

Satan: We have an opening on manager’s row, but you’ll

have to share an office with Hitler.

Boss: What’s Hitler doing in Hell?

Satan: Very good. Now I see how you became a boss.

Satan: Do you have any experience purchasing souls?

Boss: Generally, I rent them over night and then just never return them.

Satan: How do you feel about people viewing you as “evil?”

Boss: I’m unaffected by jealousy.

Satan: How do you feel about God?

Boss: I’m comfortable with the job title.

Satan: How are your Powerpoint skills?

Boss: Sometimes I can talk about one slide for over an hour.

Satan: Perfect. The  Powerpoint presentation from hell.

Satan: How do you feel about water-boarding?

Boss: I need a bigger desk.

Satan: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Boss: Probably as Satan or I’d start my own hell.

Satan: Any questions for me?

Boss: When can I get that bigger desk?

Frankenstein and the Mad Scientist

28

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Frankenstein was created by a mad scientist.

He was mad when Frankenstein would misplace his car keys.

He was mad when Frankenstein used up all the hot water during his shower.

He was mad when Frankenstein drank out of the open milk carton in

the refrigerator.

Frankenstein wanted the scientist to stop being so mad.

So on Father’s Day he snuck up behind him and gave him a great big bear hug.

Unfortunately, Frankenstein wasn’t able to control his super-monster strength

And he squeezed too hard and the scientist’s eye’s popped out.

At least he’s not mad any more.

stranger in a strange land

notPresident

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A women walks up to me in a bar
and says she wants me to slip her my Eisenhower
Commemorative Silver Dollar
as she was a piggy bank.
She said she was looking for a man who was an ATM machine.
I said what women isn’t.
I was a stranger in a strange land.

Her: With an emphasis on strange.

The sex was unbelievable.
I had to keep pinching myself

to keep falling from asleep.

We died later that night in each other’s arms.
Proud of our grown children

One son had gone to market.
Our other son had roast beef.
But we were most proud of our daughter Clementine
who went wee wee wee all the way home.

Becoming a role model for all young women
proving it was possible to have both a degree
in electrical engineering and still go
wee wee wee all the way home.

 

some simple rules for living life

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Avoid peeing in the pool

if you are not wearing swim trunks.

This will likely drawn unwanted attention.

Well, unwanted in most cases.

Wanted I suppose if that was your purpose.

 

Have you ever noticed that all songs

about monkeys are life affirming.

Well, except maybe that one about the monkey who kills everyone.

 

Are you happy?

If you have any hesitancy in answering this question,

you may need to ask yourself would you be happier

if you had a tiny toy gun?

Sometimes a tiny toy gun, say one about the size that you could conveniently put it on a key chain can make all the difference.

That or a real gun with really, really big bullets.

 

Think of others besides yourself.

When the guy in the bathroom stall is yelling:

“Hey there’s no toilette paper in here.”

Turn off the light.

No one wants to see this guy yelling.

 

When in doubt I would treat the unidentified object

moving toward you as King Kong.

Depending on who you talk to King Kong typically gets either

all the credit or all the blame in such situations.

big bang theory

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put your hamster
in my hamper
in New Hampshire
know what I’m sayin?
or buy your cricket
a round-trip ticket
to Amsterdam
but he won’t be coming
home
know what I mean?
you can hold the allure
over pussy
of a catnip mouse
tap, tap, tap
with her kitty paw
and pause
she negotiating
with Santa Claus
before she grabs
the whole damn mouse
in her mouth
and runs across
the house
and does the mouse
under the bed
we’re talking cats
and women
I gave girl gunslinger
my middle finger
and she road it
like a pogo stick
nearly all night long
she woman apple pie on my fingers
she… her taste still lingers
she said I need a la mode
tell me ’bout your big bang theory
and then explode