balloon payment

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I got a call from my loan agent who said my ARM had adjusted

and I owed a balloon payment.

I said great.

I’ll be right down.

Can I get that balloon from a clown?

The agent who helped me when I arrived did look like Ronald McDonald,

but I’m not sure that was intentional.

That balloon cost a lot more than I expected.

I would have expected a number of balloons for that amount.

That’s the tough thing about the housing market.

I was going to cash out and use the money to buy balloons,

but that’s no longer looking like a very good investment.

The peculiar thing is the whole time

we were there discussing my ARM,

I kept giving them a flexed biceps shot.

You would think the loan agents would have  had the courtesy

to acknowledge the progress with my weight lifting program.

I guess they were jealous and preoccupied with the balloons.

If I were a shark I could bite  one of the balloons, then

they would pay attention to my arms.

the day my fly was open

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It started just after breakfast.

I got up to pay the waitress and she mentioned that my fly was open.

How embarrassing.

When I got on the bus the driver also mentioned that my fly was open,

as well as 3 or 4 other passengers before I was able to take my seat.

The day was not off to a good start.

When I arrived at the office my boss’s administrative assistant

let me know my fly was open.

Then everyone at the group meeting did as well.

Plus, my boss.

Plus, the CEO.

And so it went throughout the day

People letting me know my fly was open.

Everyone else in the office.

4 or 5 people from adjoining tables when we went out to lunch.

Our biggest client when he visited in the afternoon.

Before the day was over nearly everyone had let me know that my fly was open.

The fireman.

The 3 nuns.

The clown with the balloon.

The woman with the restraining order.

The police officer.

Finally, when I got home I took off the pants.

Thankful to be out of them and their open fly.

It was the worst day of my life.

Until the next day when I had to wear them again,

because I had no clean laundry.

The Year without Science

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I like some isotopes more than others.

Most people have such a natural prejudice.

Sometimes when people say “radioactive” what they actually mean

is Nobel Inert Gas, but not usually. (Well, except maybe for Tim.)

Steve: When the Jiffy Pop Popcorn foil expands upon heating is it magic?

Einstein’s Ghost: Yes.

Stephanie: Look. That bird flying in the sky.

It’s science.

Joe: If you mean the fact that a bird can fly and we can’t then you would be right.

Stephanie: What? No.

What? Birds can fly?

No. I meant that that bird was carrying a pan of expanded Jiffy Pop Popcorn.

Steve: Einstein’s Ghost already confirmed that was magic.

Nobel Prize Presentation in Physics Committee: Can anyone in the audience think of anything

involving science that we can use as an excuse for presenting the award this year?

Isaac Newton: Windshield wipers???

Einstein’s Ghost: Sorry. Also, magic.

Chairman: This year’s Nobel Prize in Physics goes to Meryl Streep.

Madonna: This sucks!!!

Fill Out the Form

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When you say “monkey” how big a “monkey” are we talking?

Can the “said” monkey pilot a dirigible?

He has what kind of license in the state of Texas?

What?

Mostly “Cypress Hill?

He’s from Compton.

Facial tattoos?

A polar bear and “Mighty Mouse”.

By “Vegan” do you mean carnivore?

Yes. I know the chocolate coins covered with golden foil are not real coins.

Define housebroken.

Well, happy birthday.

No, I didn’t get you anything. I didn’t know until now.

Yes, I know I couldn’t pay for a present with those chocolate gold foil coins.

You’re right if you planted corn, water melons could come up if the seeds in the packet were mislabeled.

To report a fire.

Why else would I call 911?

Facts

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All the dead aliens in Area 51 turned out to be weather balloons.

Were some of them “snakes” that had been put in decompression chambers to avoid

getting the “bends” after deep-sea diving?

Yes. All of them.

 

Sometimes when someone tells you the truth or things called “facts” the best thing to do

is pretend you care.

 

Example:

Young child: Mom where do babies come from?

Mom: The hospital.

How they get there I have no idea.

 

Same young child: Where does the food go that we eat?

Same Mom: I have absolutely no idea.

The hospital?

Do you have any easy questions?

 

Later, that day at Area 51…

Hey, look…

All that that food that people have been eating that went missing…

It all showed up on the Jim’s desk.

The Pretzel of Friendship

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The Pope: You gonna eat that last pretzel?

The Dali Lama: How ‘bout we split it.

And thus was formed a friendship that would last well-beyond the next mass extinction of

dinosaurs on Earth.

God: God, I hate when this happens.

Who would have thought that the dinosaurs would go extinct twice in 500M years from a

meteorite strike?

The Dali Lama: Don’t take is so hard friend, at least the Cubbies won it all last year!

God: That’s right the Cubs won it all last year and I enjoyed it with a friend.

The Dali Lama: That’s what friends are for…