misunderstood

frankie

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Frankenstein loved his curly fries.

And he loved his chocolate milkshakes.

And he really loved his onion rings.

He had  worked up an appetite

killing all the town’s people.

Frankenstein was misunderstood.

And he was sensitive about being misunderstood.

Being misunderstood hurt his feelings.

He killed all the town’s people because

that’s what Frankenstein monsters do.

Now he sat in a new town where there

were still people alive to serve him food.

He hated strawberry milkshakes.

Especially when served with his curly fries and onion rings.

As he sat in his booth he thought to himself:

“I’m going to exchange this strawberry milkshake

for a proper chocolate milkshake.”

“I hate being misunderstood.”

“Especially, before I kill everybody.”

 

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Ants the Only True Super Humans

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Ants can lift 6 times their own weight,
so I guess that makes them the only true super-humans.

Despite their tremendous, super-human strength,
they are rude at the gym.

They get their sweat all over the machines.
They never put their weights back on the racks.
They like to sit and text on their cell phones,
when you are clearly waiting to work in on the machine.

They also like to “hog” 2 machines by thinking that if
they leave a shirt or other article on a machine, when they
go to use another machine this somehow reserves the first
machine for them?!

When you just want one tiny sip at the drinking fountain,
they pretend not to notice you as they fill their 2 liter
water bottle.I’m pretty sure they are responsible for there
always being at least one “out of order” sign up in the bathroom
at all times and it taking a minimum of 3 days for anyone to
do anything about it.

They like to occupy the only squat rack in the facility
and then do squats with no weight on the bar! I asked one
to “spot” for me and when I dropped the weights
I never saw him again!!

Anyway, what were we talking about?
Yeah, ants.

Did you know they can lift 6 times their own weight?

 

 

 

 

Here Comes Mollusk

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Here comes mollusk!

Don’t ask don’t tell.

Crawling? Slithering? Whatever?
Down the street.

With his pseudo foot.
High-and-mighty.
Righty-tighty.
Like Santa Claus on the Fourth of July!

Thank God for Global Warming.

Now high tide extends the ocean into the city
streets. Bringing mollusk and crab boy to the
shopkeeper’s door step.

The angels sing.
It’s an angel thing. Like karaoke.
Huddled masses yearning etc.

Now mighty mollusk is joined by an ever-growing
number of his like-minded friends.
Crawling? Slithering? Whatever?
Like Marines through the parted Red Sea.
Whatever.

Up the ramp that says:
“Welcome Mollusks!”
They look so proud as they enter my oven.

Good thing I like seafood

 

Monkey Skydiving Mishaps

monkeyriot

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It proved to be a huge mistake when I took my monkey skydiving

1st, he forgot his parachute.
2nd, as there were no spare parachutes I had to lend him mine
3rd, when I jumped out I left the bananas in the plane.

A single tear was on the cheek
of my guardian angel
the Ghost of Christmas Past… Popeye
as he silently strapped his parachute to my back.

Which turned out to be a duffel bag full of bricks.

Imagine many years after all the coffins and bodies in a cemetery
have turned to dust you as a kid dig this all out underground
creating a series of interconnected underground tunnels
which your parents lock you in for 10 years

I hate when that happens.

In the mail I received my invitation to join the “Mammal Club.”
Which I seriously considered as my best friend was an otter.

This goldfish is probably more orange than gold.
The Golden Gate Bridge is actually really kind of a “primer” red.
Hummingbirds to save their lives can not hum a tune.
And some Grizzly Bears actually make a sound more like a woodpecker
Proving we have bigger problems than  “fake news.”

My Dad: Tell the truth son. It’s easier to remember.
Such pearls of wisdom from my father would eventually make one of the most respected men on death row.

 

Crazy Eye

crazyeye

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I love this symbol on medicine bottles.

“May make you drowsy.”

With crazy eye.

It looks like it may make you a lot more than drowsy.

It provides the perfect excuse for all my aberrant behavior.

I had a prescription filled quite some time ago

and it came in a bottle with “crazy eye.”

Now I carry it around filled with Tick Tacks in my pocket

and when I do something inappropriate,

I pull out my medicine and say:

“Sorry, crazy eye made me do it.”

No one’s going to argue with this,

because of its medical legitimacy.

No matter what I do.

The other day I showed up at a meeting

with a turtle duct taped to my head.

I pretended to be a combat soldier.

When some guy took away the baby raccoon

I was holding I just said:

“Sorry, crazy eye made me do it.”

A  badger and a bobcat were holding up a bank with a water balloon.

I walked up  and popped their  water balloon.

They started to cry.

Everyone in the bank gave me a dirty look.

(I think they were also giving a dirty look to my baby raccoon.)

Unforgivable!

This time I got up on the bank counter

and started pounding my chest like Tarzan.

Me:”Crazzzzzzzzzzzy Eyyyyyyyyyyye!!!!”

Then I pulled out my bottle with my medicine.

I felt a lot better.

Now I’m standing on the counter at the ice cream shop

ordering 31 scoops of the 31 flavors for my cone.

Again, I start pounding on my chest like Tarzan.

Now I’m putting on a pair of pants.

Actually, the cop is making me put on a pair of pants.

Me:”Crazzzzzzzzzzzy Eyyyyyyyyyyye!!!!”

Now I’m in handcuffs and being placed in the police car.

Now I’m testifying before a federal judge on drug trafficking charges.

Now I’m serving 10 years in a Pelican Bay with a monkey.

Mr. Chimp: What are you in for?

Me:”Crazzzzzzzzzzzy Eyyyyyyyyyyye!!!!”

 

 

Stux Daemon…Botswana Metal

Stux Daemon

Lead guitarist

Lead vocalist

Since 2000

Revered as a guitar/metal God for nearly 20 years.

His music has been banned by the government of Botswana and has been banned internationally.

And for nearly 20 years none of his recordings have ever been released commercially.

Still, knowing this every day he continues to play and record.

Give it a listen.

Get a sense of the emotion behind the recording.

 

 

 

Girl Metal

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Me: So you play metal?

She: No we play girl metal.

Me: How cute.

She: Indeed.

She: Meet the new boss same as the old boss.

Me: Got it boss.

Pope Francis: Well, I’m done delivering Christmas Mass. Who’s up for some girl metal?

God: From LA to Tokyo… girls are playing death metal.

God: For the first time in my life…I am proud to be God.