Frankenstein and the Mad Scientist

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Frankenstein was created by a mad scientist.

He was mad when Frankenstein would misplace his car keys.

He was mad when Frankenstein used up all the hot water during his shower.

He was mad when Frankenstein drank out of the open milk carton in

the refrigerator.

Frankenstein wanted the scientist to stop being so mad.

So on Father’s Day he snuck up behind him and gave him a great big bear hug.

Unfortunately, Frankenstein wasn’t able to control his super-monster strength

And he squeezed too hard and the scientist’s eye’s popped out.

At least he’s not mad any more.

some simple rules for living life

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Avoid peeing in the pool

if you are not wearing swim trunks.

This will likely drawn unwanted attention.

Well, unwanted in most cases.

Wanted I suppose if that was your purpose.

 

Have you ever noticed that all songs

about monkeys are life affirming.

Well, except maybe that one about the monkey who kills everyone.

 

Are you happy?

If you have any hesitancy in answering this question,

you may need to ask yourself would you be happier

if you had a tiny toy gun?

Sometimes a tiny toy gun, say one about the size that you could conveniently put it on a key chain can make all the difference.

That or a real gun with really, really big bullets.

 

Think of others besides yourself.

When the guy in the bathroom stall is yelling:

“Hey there’s no toilette paper in here.”

Turn off the light.

No one wants to see this guy yelling.

 

When in doubt I would treat the unidentified object

moving toward you as King Kong.

Depending on who you talk to King Kong typically gets either

all the credit or all the blame in such situations.

The Serious Club

 

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After a while the monkeys pretty much stopped coming.

Most of the staff stopped wearing bowling shoes.

There were few balloons left.

Happiness was gone.

What had once been a swinging monkey nightclub, filled with balloons,

and the wearing of bowling shoes had gradually become the location of

the town’s “Serious Club.”

Serious men and women dressed in serious clothing walked seriously

from room to room contemplating and doing serious things.

Others sat seriously in chairs having serious conversations about serious topics.

A serious waiter came up with a serious look on his face asked a serious couple:

“Have you decided on your drinks or would you like more time to make such a

serious decision?”

The serious couple decided that they would indeed take more time to make such

a serious decision about their drinks as they would have to live with consequences

of such a decision for the next 15 minutes.

Then one day there was a problem with the men’s room. A monkey wearing bowling shoes

and holding a balloon arrived to address the issue.  Afterwards he posted a sign:

“Bathrooms are to be used by patrons only.”

Because it took a secret password to be let in the front door the members

of the “Serious Club” were outraged complaining bitterly that the only people

that would be there in the first place would be patrons.

They could not take the sign seriously, so all the members of the Serious Club

got up and left taking their elephant piñatas with them.

Monkeys, bowling shoes, balloons  and happiness was restored.

Carpooling with God

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One day on the morning commute

God appeared in Bill’s passenger seat

Bill happily swerved into the car pool lane.

Bill: “Hi God. How’s it going?”

God: “Bill I’m afraid I have some bad news for you.”

“You’re going to die today, but I’ll give you the choice of

dying in a horrible car crash this morning. Or you can go

to work and use the day to get your things in order and die

peacefully in your sleep tonight.”

Bill: “Hmmm.”

Then Bill yanked the wheel hard to the left crashing into a cement over crossing and killing both himself and God.

As Bill and God’s spirits started their ascent to heaven God was puzzled.

God: “What the f*ck Bill?”

Bill: “Screw it. At least I got out of a day of work

Pecking Order

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Dave the nomad crawling across the belly of Death Valley

took one last look up at the sun and died.

A vulture landed and pecked at his eye.

Then a black crow landed and pecked at his eye.

Then a humming bird swooped in and pecked at this eye.

A penguin walked up.

He had a scowl on his face.

Then the vulture came back and landed between Dave the nomad, the humming bird, and the penguin.

Vulture: “Goddamit  Hummy! Can’t you observe the pecking order?”

The World’s Richest Man

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If I were the world’s richest man.
I would buy the world’s biggest diamond.
Or the world’s biggest monkey.
It’s a hard decision to make.
I’m glad I won’t have to make it.
Because I’m not the world’s richest man.
That’s probably how he got so rich.
Making these kind of the hard decisions.