the raincoat question

raincoat

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Everybody watched in stunned silence as the water balloons
started arriving from outer space.
With a splish here and a splash there.
At first it seemed like fun.

Then the larger balloons started to arrive.
The size of the Hindenburg only filled with water.
We were taking an awful pounding.
One balloon hit a duck.

Gradually, the blitzkrieg subsided.
The oceans receded back to their proper place.
Someone toweled off the duck.
And the man who had been proclaiming the end of the world
put his squirt gun back in his raincoat.

Many years passed.
Eventually we returned to the moon.
When we got there we were greeted by a duck with an umbrella.
He asked why were dressed in raincoats.
In raincoats with nothing on underneath.

We had to admit that was a good question.

 

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too many alligators

too_many_alligators

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My cat tapped gently on my face to wake me.

She meowed: “There’s too many alligators.”

Me: Preposterous.

My cat: Hippopotamus.

There was a sharp knock at my front door.

When I answered, I looked out across the front lawn.

There was indeed… too many alligators.

There they were, every color of the rainbow symbolizing…

OK, symbolizing nothing.

I just didn’t feel like drawing them all green.

I put on my marching band leader’s hat and began the slow,

arduous march to town with the alligators.

I sat down in the barber’s chair.

Barber: There’s too many alligators.

Barber: And you’re going to have to take off that hat.

Crazy Eye

crazyeye

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I love this symbol on medicine bottles.

“May make you drowsy.”

With crazy eye.

It looks like it may make you a lot more than drowsy.

It provides the perfect excuse for all my aberrant behavior.

I had a prescription filled quite some time ago

and it came in a bottle with “crazy eye.”

Now I carry it around filled with Tick Tacks in my pocket

and when I do something inappropriate,

I pull out my medicine and say:

“Sorry, crazy eye made me do it.”

No one’s going to argue with this,

because of its medical legitimacy.

No matter what I do.

The other day I showed up at a meeting

with a turtle duct taped to my head.

I pretended to be a combat soldier.

When some guy took away the baby raccoon

I was holding I just said:

“Sorry, crazy eye made me do it.”

A  badger and a bobcat were holding up a bank with a water balloon.

I walked up  and popped their  water balloon.

They started to cry.

Everyone in the bank gave me a dirty look.

(I think they were also giving a dirty look to my baby raccoon.)

Unforgivable!

This time I got up on the bank counter

and started pounding my chest like Tarzan.

Me:”Crazzzzzzzzzzzy Eyyyyyyyyyyye!!!!”

Then I pulled out my bottle with my medicine.

I felt a lot better.

Now I’m standing on the counter at the ice cream shop

ordering 31 scoops of the 31 flavors for my cone.

Again, I start pounding on my chest like Tarzan.

Now I’m putting on a pair of pants.

Actually, the cop is making me put on a pair of pants.

Me:”Crazzzzzzzzzzzy Eyyyyyyyyyyye!!!!”

Now I’m in handcuffs and being placed in the police car.

Now I’m testifying before a federal judge on drug trafficking charges.

Now I’m serving 10 years in a Pelican Bay with a monkey.

Mr. Chimp: What are you in for?

Me:”Crazzzzzzzzzzzy Eyyyyyyyyyyye!!!!”

 

 

Stux Daemon…Botswana Metal

Stux Daemon

Lead guitarist

Lead vocalist

Since 2000

Revered as a guitar/metal God for nearly 20 years.

His music has been banned by the government of Botswana and has been banned internationally.

And for nearly 20 years none of his recordings have ever been released commercially.

Still, knowing this every day he continues to play and record.

Give it a listen.

Get a sense of the emotion behind the recording.

 

 

 

Going Marsupial

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It seems like everyone I know is going marsupial.

You know…

Getting a pouch sewn onto their abdomen to carry things.

Not unlike a new tattoo, but without the colors.

At first I thought this odd.

And a bit disturbing.

Like a “man purse.”

Scary.

But just as a woman could now more easily carry her daily accoutrements.

Like her lipstick and cellphone.

I could also more easily carry my man accoutrements.

Like a 6-pack of beer.

Or my sawed off shotgun.

I found it very freeing to no longer have to carry my sawed off shotgun

tucked down my pant leg where when I walked stiff-legged into a bar

and a bunch of drunken sailors would inevitably say:

“How’s it going there peg leg.”

Before they could properly apologize to my sawed off shotgun.

Having a pouch immediately raised my self-confidence.

I was able to simultaneously enter a 12-step program

and start a national speaking tour as a “life coach”

on how people could improve their lives.

It seems like everyone I know

is also is getting into this “life coaching” thing.

I would look at them and think.

Your life sucks.

What are you going to give advice on how to have a life that sucks.

A better approach might be for them to give advice along the lines:

“How to not turn out like me.”

Or take my own mundane and rather unremarkable life.

Are the depressing details of how I got to this unfortunate state

of any possible value to you?

Evidently, and people are willing to pay for it.

It’s always better to have some stranger

who knows absolutely nothing about you

tell you how to live your life

rather than take the time to just figure it out yourself.

When I got back from my pouch-inspired national tour

of improving people’s lives I was exhausted.

They greeted me at my front door

with folded arms and frowns on their faces.

What was it with these kangaroos?

 

 

Good morning from Botswana…

Pecking Order

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Dave the nomad crawling across the belly of Death Valley

took one last look up at the sun and died.

A vulture landed and pecked at his eye.

Then a black crow landed and pecked at his eye.

Then a humming bird swooped in and pecked at this eye.

A penguin walked up.

He had a scowl on his face.

Then the vulture came back and landed between Dave the nomad, the humming bird, and the penguin.

Vulture: “Goddamit  Hummy! Can’t you observe the pecking order?”

 

We love this band in California and the Silicon Valley.

 

These guys without any commercial releases are f*cking HUGE in America.

They have been contacted by all 7 rolling USA metal concert/tours that roll through America this summer.

We are very much hoping they accept one of the invites.

America loves this band.

family

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uncle  John rolls his eyes when he sees the snake tattoo

on the bottom of his foot.

how had it gotten there?

aunt Claire looks at her reflection in the mirror

above the bed and lets out a loud sigh.

choir practice would end early that day.

grandma calls the fire department

because there is a cat stuck up in a tree,

but hangs up when they ask her name

realizing it’s really the cat’s problem not hers.

nobody bothers to ask how dad’s job interview went

when he returns home drunk in his boxer shorts.

this kind of thing and behavior is not at all uncommon

in families, but no one ever talks about it publicly.

which is good, because I don’t want to hear about it.