My Out-of-Body Experience with Nordstrom Customer Service


Yes. I actually made this inquiry…


Now that’s customer service.


Born on Christmas



Wouldn’t be great if your birthday were on Christmas?

Then people could say: “Here’s your birthday present.

It’s also your Christmas present.”

Or: “Here’s your Christmas present. It’s also your birthday present.”

Then people would be substantially less likely to forget your birthday present

or your Christmas present because they would be the same.

Of course, you would only get half the number of total presents.

The number you would get if you were celebrating each separately.

Like a normal human being.

North Pole Popcorn Factory



I enter a side door that said: “North Pole Popcorn Factory.”

There were row upon row upon row of Christmas trees.

The elves were pulling down the strands of popcorn and carefully pulling

the popcorn off the string and putting it into tamper proof packages.

I turned to the head elf who had a big scar on his face and a broken nose

that healed crooked and said: “Is this where popcorn comes from?”

Scar Elf: “Yes.”

Me: “Wouldn’t it be easier if you just bought the popcorn at the grocery store?”

Scar Elf: “They don’t have room for all the Christmas trees.”

Me: “What do you do with the trees after you de-popcorn them?”

Scar Elf: “We add more tinsel.”

And so it went until Christmas Eve when all the children were in their beds,

then Santa came in looked at all the Christmas trees and said

“Christ, not again.”

And punched Scar Elf in the nose.

Wild West Filly


lost in the
wild west riding
into town
trigger finger
meet the best
and go down
local saloon
I found clarity
with a girl flirt
said her name was
I told her
I would give
until it hurt
and charitable
she was…
with a howdy miss
gave her a kiss
just north of
her garter county
line she said how
about you grab
that garter
ride this filly
to the triple crown
you tasted
the best now
I expect you
to go down

the other side


there are some people

you will encounter in life

who should both fear

and not fear

for they have already lived

a full life beyond most standards

and should have been dead

perhaps 20 years past

so, they have also already died once

they are like a prisoner on death row

in their own life

they have nothing to lose

how I envy them

treat them as such

for although on earth

they live on the other side

if you are an honest and good person

you have nothing to fear

if you are not

God has placed them in a unique position

to enforce God’s rule of law

without consequences

because they have already died once

and cleared God’s security check

on the other side


Manifest Destiny

Girl’s name was Destiny
Manifest Destiny

and Manifest Destiny she was…

and I ain’t not talkin’ ’bout no
manifest like some kind
of ship’s cargo document
I’m talkin’ Manifest Destiny
as in take over the mother-fuckin’
god damn United States
and at the current moment
as she straddled my continent
she was taking over my heart

window shopping
makes me think
firecracker popping
makes me think
4th of July

5-foot seventeen
in 4-inch stilettos
puts a bustle
in my hedge row
in my favorite
Las Vegas casino

I’ll take a Manhattan
with an extra cherry
go hard on her cherry

She’ girl messiah
She’s girl piranha
biting, biting, always biting
barbed wire dental floss
she’s barbed wire mental floss

the filthy filly bites
hard the bridle
is truly only happy when
she’s making me suicidal

stirrups, purr ups
when petting her kitten.
She: I have a naughty kitten
Me: I could drink your milkshake?
She said: I need thunder puppy
God: Reverse cowgirl?
She said: I am a true believer
Of the one and only true religion

sometimes I think about her
think about her before work
think about her before work in the shower

when I look at her
I wish I was the scientist
who invented x-ray vision
x-ray vision that stops right
after the clothes if you
know what I mean

she rolled around
as she was well-oiled
I had to take the batteries
out of my smoke detector
because of all the sparks

she said she wanted
both the steak
and the sizzle
with extra sizzle
but I wanted to give
her extra steak as well

she moves
her body
like fire
in slow motion
like fire
that dances
so slowly you
want to touch it
touch so bad
you don’t care
if you are burned
by the heat
of her fire

when I was young
I was told that
if I did it too often
I would go blind
still I just can’t stop
looking at her

Be sure to visit out latest blog…

“Your Suicide King”