Santa Claus in the Land of Oz

santa

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The Tin Man just stood there at the urinal

in the men’s room frozen.

He had tried to take a pee and things had rusted shut.

Again.

 

Dorothy came in.

You know to carry your oil can with you.

Especially, with your overactive bladder.

Here let me help you I have your oil can.

Are you doing this deliberately?

Tin Man smiled silently to himself.

 

Scarecrow walks in…

Hey, guys what’s this some kind of a party.

Oh my God!

I just ate lunch.

 

Cowardly Lion walks out of a bathroom stall humming.

Goes to sink and washes hands.

Turns around and looks at his tail area.

Son-of-a-bitch!

Not again. Not the fur.

Why does this always happen?

 

Scarecrow: Oh my God!

I just ate lunch.

 

Dorothy: You guys all live together right.

No girlfriends right.

Hard to figure.

 

Santa Claus walks in.

Santa: What the hell’s going on in here?

This some kind of a party?

Look at that guy’s fur.

 

And what’s going on with that oil can over there?

Oh my God!

I just ate lunch.

 

Do any of you have gum?

Never mind, I doubt any of you have washed your hands.

 

You there straw boy, you look like the only normal one here.

Where is the best place around here to buy a monkey?

 

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Inflatable Santa

Inflatable Santa drives in the car pool lane with me.

On an expired license from the North Pole.

Inflatable Santa can be used as a flotation device in a swimming pool.

Inflatable Santa is not a sex doll, so back off  Dave.

I would have thought that Inflatable Santa

would have come with some inflatable elves.

Or at least an inflatable snowman or some inflatable penguins.

Again, Dave none of these are sex dolls.

So, please go back to your cubicle.

Inflatable Santa stands alone in his inflatability.

Like a solitary inflatable sentry.

Guarding the entrance of some place.

Some place that likely serves vegan donuts

Shudder.

Behold Inflatable Santa and tremble.

He seems like a nice guy and I’m sure

he would appreciate the gesture.

His pet is a balloon animal dog.

Every Saturday they go to the park.

Vegan donut eaters abound.

You probably don’t want to take your children to this park.

Dave, the balloon animal dog is also not a sex doll.

Yes.

Yes.

Dave, please get off of inflatable Rudolph’s leg.

Dave.

Please get off of my leg.

Towards a Vampire-Free Christmas

vampireintolerance

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It was Christmas day

and the mass garlic shortage panics

were once again starting to sweep America.

What if vampires were to use our lowered vigilance

at Christmas to attack.?

Would little Baby Jesus be safe in the manager scene?

Was there enough garlic to put around his neck?

As it was Christmas everyone took time to reflect

and have a good long think.

Some of us used this time to change the oil

in our cars that was at least 2000 miles overdue.

Christmas Card

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 So when my cat jumps up in my lap when I’m in the recliner

she always go through a routine I call the “Paw Paw”.

She does this kneading thing with her front paws,

which evidentially may go back to when she was a kitten

getting ready to feed from Mom.

(Wikipedia)

 

However, when she does the Paw Paw in my lap

she always ends up targeting my crotch with claws out.

I appreciate the gesture of affection, but not the pain.

 

This year when she started her painful routine,

I took the arm cover off the chair and put it down

my sweats for some padded protection.

Much better as she continued with her kneading

I lean back in the chair, close my eyes,

and think what a great holiday.

 

The next thing I hear is: “Oh my God!”

As I look up and 3 family members as well as 2 guests

are observing with ashen faces the cat tap dancing

on this big padded bulge at my crotch.

 

Great.

 

Happy Holidays.

A Frankenstein Christmas

 

frankenstein

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First the cavemen built a snowman out of rocks.

They stacked 3 rocks of decreasing size on top of each other

and then used 2 rocks for eyes and a rock for a nose.

These rocks dropped to the ground.

Then the cavemen dragged a large rock into their cave

and made a Christmas tree out of it.

They decorated it with rocks as ornaments

and put a rock on top as a star.

Those rocks dropped to the ground.

Finally, the 3 wise men arrived at their cave.

The guy bringing frankincense was Frankenstein.

Over the years Christmas traditions and practices

were further refined.

Frankenstein’s role was gradually reduced.