tales of the road donut

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I decided to start trying my potential Halloween outfits out early this year, so on Ground Hog’s Day

I went to church dressed as a zombie.

The Priest met me with a sawed-off shotgun and said:

“Have you met God? Would you like to meet him?!!”

Me: You bet!

The next thing I know is I’m up in Heaven and there’s God rolling a 50-foot donut down the road….

using a stick like the children playing in the 1880’s.

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

That God was rolling such a big donut down the road.

Such a big donut without “sprinkles.”

(Yes, Santa Claus is God.)

Later, at orientation he asked if I would like a piece of his “road donut.”

Me to self: Jesus, what is wrong with this guy?

Me politely to God: No thank you sir, I prefer “sprinkles.”

God pulled out his magic fairy wand waiving it and transforming the 50-foot “non-sprinkled” donut

into a million donut holes.

He smiled and nodded at me.

I smiled and nodded back at God.

Me to self: Jesus, what is wrong with this guy’s hearing?

I don’t know if that monkey can pilot a dirigible.

I opened my little music box and noticed that the ballerina had broken during the flight from Earth.

Yes…..Heaven was truly turning out to be Hell.

 

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judgment day

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The apartment policy said clearly: “No ducks.”
And it was in the lease: “No ducks.”
It was pretty clear: “No ducks.”
And yet I had a duck.

I and my duck were living beyond the law.
I often wondered what God would think
about this on Judgment Day.

Then the doorbell rang.
It was the mummy I had ordered.
It finally arrived.
I had completely forgotten about it,
having ordered it before Christmas.

I took him out of his crate a posed him on the couch
as if he were watching TV,
so he could become comfortable in his new home.
Also, as a crime deterrent for people looking in my window.

Later down by the pool my duck and I sat on chaise lounges.
A little dog paddled up, got out of the pool, and pulled out his clipboard.

Little Dog:”Well, it’s Judgment Day.”
He said looking down at his clipboard.
Little Dog: “Congratulations you both get into Heaven.”

My duck and I high-fived each other.
My duck quacked.

Then the little dog looked down at his clipboard.
He looked up at me.
He looked down at his clipboard.
Little Dog: “Hmmmm.”

He looked up at me:
Little Dog: “You’re not the mummy are you?”

 

 

the only real aphrodisiacs

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The only real aphrodisiacs are money and catnip.

If you have a lot of money women will be drawn to you.

Same thing if you have a lot of catnip.

If you don’t have a lot of money I suggest you grow a lot of catnip.

Unless you don’t like cats.

Cats are drawn to catnip as well.

No one said life was easy.

 

Catnip overdose.

Please be careful.

when is something Big

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When is something big?
It’s a good question.
And can’t be answered.
Some people consider such things a mystery.

I find it best to use approximations.
Person talking: “Is that dog big?”
Me: “Approximately.”
Nobody will argue with approximations
and yet approximations can often get us
in the ball park for discussions regarding size.

Other person talking: “Is the national debt big?”
Me: “How would I know? Why don’t you ask that big dog.
I’m sure he’d know, since he’s so big.”
Some people just have to ruin the whole size thing for everyone.

Some guy: “Do you sell big condoms?”
Pet store clerk: “Well, I wouldn’t call them
so much “big” as “large.”
Guy: “OK. Do you sell large condoms?
Pet store clerk: “No. We sell turtles.”

 

Who’s in Bed with the Saudi’s?

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I pride myself on my political activism.

Who doesn’t now-a-days?

Challenging complacency in our democracy.

Calling our leaders task.

Making a difference.

Examples:

Me at the Libertarian fund raiser with major candidates.

Me: I want to know…

Who’s in bed with the Saudis?!!

Silence.

Just as I suspected.

Me at speech being given by Secretary of the Treasury

on plans to fix the economy.

Me: I want to know…

Who’s in bed with the Saudis?!!

Silence.

The silence was deafening.

Me as the House Minority Leader addressed why they would be using

pink carnations for the Labor Day brunch table setting instead

of yellow and white.

Me: I want to know…

Who’s in bed with the Saudis?!!

Silence.

The House Minority Leader walks up to me and begins to whisper in my ear.

Me: Yeah.

What?

Saudis.

Saudia Arabia?

Saudia Arabia is a country?!!

I thought Saudi’s were those long little dogs with short legs.

Yeah, come to think about it I guess those are wiener dogs.

Thank you for that clarification.

Me: OK. I want to know…

Who’s in bed with the wiener dogs?!!

 

misunderstood

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Frankenstein loved his curly fries.

And he loved his chocolate milkshakes.

And he really loved his onion rings.

He had  worked up an appetite

killing all the town’s people.

Frankenstein was misunderstood.

And he was sensitive about being misunderstood.

Being misunderstood hurt his feelings.

He killed all the town’s people because

that’s what Frankenstein monsters do.

Now he sat in a new town where there

were still people alive to serve him food.

He hated strawberry milkshakes.

Especially when served with his curly fries and onion rings.

As he sat in his booth he thought to himself:

“I’m going to exchange this strawberry milkshake

for a proper chocolate milkshake.”

“I hate being misunderstood.”

“Especially, before I kill everybody.”

 

Ants the Only True Super Humans

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Ants can lift 6 times their own weight,
so I guess that makes them the only true super-humans.

Despite their tremendous, super-human strength,
they are rude at the gym.

They get their sweat all over the machines.
They never put their weights back on the racks.
They like to sit and text on their cell phones,
when you are clearly waiting to work in on the machine.

They also like to “hog” 2 machines by thinking that if
they leave a shirt or other article on a machine, when they
go to use another machine this somehow reserves the first
machine for them?!

When you just want one tiny sip at the drinking fountain,
they pretend not to notice you as they fill their 2 liter
water bottle.I’m pretty sure they are responsible for there
always being at least one “out of order” sign up in the bathroom
at all times and it taking a minimum of 3 days for anyone to
do anything about it.

They like to occupy the only squat rack in the facility
and then do squats with no weight on the bar! I asked one
to “spot” for me and when I dropped the weights
I never saw him again!!

Anyway, what were we talking about?
Yeah, ants.

Did you know they can lift 6 times their own weight?