Tarzan’s Christmas Surprise

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Tarzan stood in his driveway on Christmas morning hands on hips.


I pick bananas for Cheetah and swing through the jungle on a vine.

Who would get me a hovercraft?

And its shark week on PBS!


Has this monkey been vetted?

Fully vetted?

Extreme vetted?

Has that banana been vetted?

OK. I’ll take back the hovercraft.

Go ahead and get in the sleigh Cheetah.


Tarzan: Thanks Santa.


Christmas at the Children’s Zoo


Albino Rhino and Vanilla Gorilla were dressed

as elf greeters at the Children’s Zoo.

The gingerbread man and his family came in

to feed the baby goats.

Unfortunately, the porcupine we had spray-painted gold

and were using as a star at the top of the 50 foot Christmas Tree

fell and landed on the gingerbread man and his family pulverizing

them into crumbs.

We fed their crumbs to the baby goats.

Albino Rhino: I hate white sugar frosting.

Vanilla Gorilla: Good. Let’s burn that gingerbread house to the ground.

How to be a Gracious Guest



When invited to a party it’s always good manners to bring something.
A bottle of wine. (not poisoned)
A dessert dish. (not poisoned)
Some rat poison. (likely somewhat poisoned)

It depends in large part on the kind of household you visiting,
their customs and traditions, as well as their level of rat infestation.

One of those electric fly zappers that the flies fly into,
spark and catch on fire, and then you can smell the fly burning
may also be appropriate under certain circumstances.
For example, if they have an excessive number of flies
due to dead rats.

Sometimes it’s nice to provide your host with a dish such as a breakfast bread,
that they can enjoy the morning following the party when they are tired from a prior evening
of entertaining.
Preferably, one in a rat-proof container that the rats won’t be able to gnaw through before your
friends can enjoy it.
If you are feeling in a romantic mood, which would be really weird as you are likely showing up to your friend’s house who is already married and you are probably there with your significant other as well, but nothing about you surprises me anymore.
You could bring some flowers or a plant.
One that might be poisonous to rats when gnawed upon.

Finally, the truly thoughtful guest will bring a leaf blower
to blow all the rats off the other guests and clear a path to the dinner table.

Santa Claus and the Invisible Man



Who is more powerful?

Santa Claus or the Invisible Man?

What if Santa Claus was also the Invisible Man?

He had the power to turn invisible when he wanted.

That could explain how he sees you when you’re sleeping.

My theory is based upon taking a shower in the morning

and finding someone else peeing in the shower at the same time.