A Brief History of Flossing

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Although, for the most part, I understand the theory of “flossing.”

I do not “floss.”

 

That’s what can happen to you when you base your life

on the teachings of  reality TV.

 

William Shakespeare shortly before being shot:

Hey, look at me everybody. I’m flossing.

 

George Washington: Perhaps if I had flossed I wouldn’t have these wooden teeth.

Of course, I too may then have been shot by John “I-hate-flossing” Wilkes Booth.

 

Popeye: When I get some spinach stuck in me teeth I use a toothpick or bent

paperclip.I never floss as I has no interest in being shot. Awk. Ah. Ah.

 

Superman: When it comes to Kryptonite and flossing I make no distinction.

Except one can get you shot.

 

Louise Lane to Clark Kent: Look is that a dog flossing?!

Clark Kent: No. But I would appreciate, Louise, it if you could kindly

remove your Chihuahua from my leg.

 

Abraham Lincoln: In retrospect, my years of flossing were a mistake.

Also, having a beard without a moustache.

But more so the flossing. Shudder.

 

Dentist to patient: Have you been flossing?

Dental Assistant: I’m afraid the patient has been shot.

 

So it came to be, Noah, built an Ark.

But selected only animals that did not floss.

 

 

Head surgeon: I think you’ll find this Vin Rose has a subtle hint of burning sewage.

Oh, my God nurse are you flossing?!!

Nurse: Yes. I didn’t want all this extra suture material to go to waste.

Hey, what’s this heart doing out here? Did that patient have 2 hearts?

 

God: My only regret is creating the human being who invented flossing.

Also, not growing a beard without a moustache.

The “look” is both f*cked up and cool at the same time.

Abraham Lincoln: Hey, Popeye what are you doing up here in Heaven?

Popeye: This isn’t the men’s room?

 

Examinging the bullet exit wounds to his back Popeye:

“I knew me shouldn’t have flossed!!”

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The Snake Prison

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I went to the snake prison.
Don’t ask me why.
OK, I wanted to know who
swallowed my hamster.

Snakes moved freely between the bars from cell to cell.
Because they could fit through the bars.
Probably because they were snakes.
But I don’t want to generalize about snakes.
That would be wrong.

One snake had a tattoo.
A tattoo of a snake.
Probably because people find snake tattoos scary.
I was scared, but not because of his snake tattoo.
I was scared, because I thought he might be a ghost.

One snake had a beard
A beard without a mustache.
He wore a stovepipe hat.
He looked like Abraham Lincoln

Then Abraham’s Lincoln’s ghost appeared.
I asked Lincoln what he was doing at the snake prison.
Lincoln’s response: I wanted to know who swallowed my hamster.

Lincoln: Oh my God, that guy has a snake tattoo!!!

peopling skills

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If you’re like me and spend time with people there’s a good

chance they’re going to eventually open their mouths and

something’s going to come out.

This is when your listening-when-you-don’t-care skills

come into play.

“Whah, my brain is too small.”

Response:”Have you considered sharing your plight on reality TV?”

“I’m way too thin. Why can’t I just be fat like everyone else.”

Response:“You have a point, but at least you’ve just proven that you don’t

have to be thin for people to hate you.”

“Why don’t our pets have to work?”

Response: “I’m sure you dog has to work very hard to not bite you.”

“Now I lay me down to sleep…”

Caring father: “Give it a rest Jimmy, we both know you’re going to hell.”

Global Warming Prognosticator: “Look a bird.”

Debate Moderator: “Thanks for helping us cover that extended bathroom break.

Doubting Thomas Counterpart: “When will I get a chance to state correctly my position on the bird?”

Kermit the Frog: “Do you ever think a princess will kiss me and turn me from a frog into a prince?

The only female that’s interested in me is a pig.”

Big Bird: ”Welcome to life.”

“Now I lay me down to sleep…”

Big Bird: “Give it a rest Jimmy, we both know you’re going to hell.”

Species Change

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One day I got tired of being my species,
so I reapplied to become a racoon.

They made me wear one of those little bandit
black eye masks when I filled out the form.

They provided lunch, but I had to wash it in the stream
before I ate it.

When they asked for my emergency contact information
I gave them the address of my brother who had become a badger.

After reciting the pledge of allegiance,
they closed the ceremony by allowing us to select a pinata
to take home with us.

When my brother became a badger he received a Chia pet.

That’s because the badger and racoon are different species.

When our mother arrived for Thanksgiving she was greeted by my pinata
and my brother’s Chia pet in the front hall.

She was proud.

Proud that she was not same species as me or my brother.

Werewolf Roommate

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I recently took in a roommate to help make ends meet.

He’s werewolf.

 

He seemed like an OK guy.

I checked his references.

Plus, he was Presbyterian.

Seemed like a pretty safe bet.

 

But the damn guy isn’t house broken.

Goes to the bathroom all over carpet

everywhere in the apartment.

 

I tried to break him of the habit by holding his nose in it

and giving him a good whack with a rolled up newspaper,

but this isn’t producing any results.

 

And the cops are actually threatening to file charges against me!

 

It’s a funny world we live in.

Then I remembered we had the same problem with one

of our dogs when I was a kid.

 

I remembered the newspaper

didn’t work in that case either.

 

So last night when my roommate was asleep

I had a vet come over and had him neutered.

Now we’ll see if he wants to go to the bathroom

on the carpet when he wakes up!

Revolution Cheese

revCheese

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“Cheese now!”

Was the message on the billboard.

“Legalize Cheese!”

Read the sign on the post of the protester.

The pastor of the 2nd largest church in America started his Sunday radio sermon

“Let us pray for cheese.”

The ground swell of support for cheese in just the last few months had been astonishing.

Whereas, cheese was once only served in prisons and on airlines there were now entire restaurant districts in New York and Tokyo catering to those who ate cheese.

Mice and sharks were happy being the largest consumers

of cheese in nature.

A man climbed the Empire State Building naked

with a piece of cheddar cheese strapped to his back.

A prominent government scientist proclaimed the internet

would soon be replaced with cheese.

Still there was something lacking in Bill’s life.

A life that on the surface appeared to be ideal.

Great wife, great family, great job.

Nice house,  nice car, financial stability.

Yet, there was an undefined, nagging emptiness

that gnawed at his soul.

Gnawed at his soul that is until…

His wife gave him a piece of cheese.

The Hindenburg landing on the Titanic

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If I designed the Titanic I would have designed it

to have a tethering pole

for dirigibles like the Hindenburg.

 

Then the people on the Hindenburg could have visited

the people on the Titanic on their maiden voyage

across the Atlantis as well-wishers.

 

I’m sure the people on the Titanic would have felt a lot safer

after hitting that iceberg,  if they knew they could escape to safety in a dirigible like the Hindenburg.

 

Likewise, if the Hindenburg blew up or caught on fire,

people could relax in the comfort of a state of the art

luxury cruise ship like the Titanic.

 

It seems like the best of both worlds.

 

 

One world being the world where things smack into icebergs

and sink.

The other world being where things catch on fire and blow up.