Bucket List

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  1. Try to find bucket in garage mess.
  2. Spend 2nd day trying to find bucket in garage mess.
  3. Have beer to celebrate finding bucket in garage mess.
  4. Come to conclusion that whatever had in bucket last just is not going to come out no matter how long soak in bleach.
  5. Get a new bucket.
  6. Scrub and clean bucket as rat droppings would imply has been sitting in storage warehouse long time.
  7. Dry bucket.
  8. Fight through garage mess to try to find shelf where can put new bucket.
  9. Clear space on shelf for bucket by likely putting box of Christmas decorations in garage mess.
  10. Really. I just stepped in the catbox?

Fluffy, you couldn’t cover that?

And who in God’s name fed you cheese?!!

Mary Magdalene

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Hey, Chewbacca how did you get in here?

Chewbacca: May I use your bathroom?

Me: Same rule as Seven Eleven.

You have to buy something.

Chewy: How much for the that table top Mission lamp.

Me: $1 million.

Chewy: Here. I’ve had 5 cups of coffee on the drive over.

Me 15 minutes later: I’m charging you another $1million for lighting a candle.

Me: Hey Mary Magdalene.

Glad to see you could make it here after church.

Mary M: Here’s a veggie platter and some pork rinds.

Me: Here’s my garbage can.

Mary M: I’m not going back to prison.

Me: I think we’re all in the same boat here.

The S.S. Minnow.

Hey, Skipper. When did you and your little buddy get here?

Skipper: Could someone please stop Chewbacca from rummaging through the garbage for vegetables and pork rinds?

Knock. Knock.

Hey, it’s my next door neighbor Weeping Carlos:

W Carlos : What’s all the yelling going on over hear?

Me: I would characterize it as “somewhat louder” speaking at most.

W Carlos: You’re the only one here.

Me: Carlos.. are you real?

Calling all Monsters

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Calling all monsters for

it is time to come home.

When we have no more tears to cry.

 

When we realize that the terror and horror

that you brought to our everyday lives as well

as eating our children was something…

something we took for granted.

 

Now we are calm and unhorrorfied

And with way too many children

we ask your forgiveness.

 

The book of Psalms says nothing about Palm trees,

so now I have to go the nursery as it looks like we have

some kind of “curly leaf” or other fungal tree infection

with these  unfortunate palms.

 

 

We will greet you with a smile.

And you will return that smile.

And wave…

 

because we are gong to ‘ kill you

 

 

Recreational Drugs

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I always found the term “recreational drug  use” funny.

Is this like something I’m supposed to take before going water skiing?

Well, I sure hope so…

because I just took a whole bunch

and I have to hit that big water ski jump next.

Hmmm. That was just another water skier.

Hey, sorry about that buddy.

That guy must really be hitting the “recreational drugs.”

Impersonating a water ski jump like that…

Hey look, there’s one of those inflatable clowns

that you can punch and they pop right back up.

What’s he doing out here in the middle of the lake?

Not so tough are you when you’re hit with

a bowling pin wrapped in duct tape are you?

Hmmm. Ok, buddy make up your mind.

Are you an inflatable clown or a water ski jump?

Asshole.

 

BIDBIAD

Burn It Down. Burn It All Down.

It was Existentialism

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Everyone was bored.

At first I thought this was great!

Then I thought we’re all going to die!

It was existentialism.

I asked everyone why they were bored.

They said it was the mundaneness of their daily life.

That life had not turned out the way they expected.

I reflected.

And concluded I had no idea what they were talking about.

Maybe they were stuck in a rut.

Like when you don’t have a hairless cat.

Sometimes all it takes is a hairless cat to change your life and perspective.

That hairless cat gives you hope and a reason to live.

It’s like finding God.

Only you’ve found a hairless cat.

You can do anything you want in your life at any time.

It’s up to you.

If you want to become a ballerina

Who’s to stop you?

Other than a bunch of  ballerinas.

Who say break a leg.

And then breaks your leg.

 

Dolphin Joy

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Last night I dreamed I was in my cat suit
dragging a steak past the dog pound.
All the dogs looked a bit like Marmaduke.
None of them looked like dolphins.
Life’s that way sometimes.

I kept hearing this beeping noise in my head.
It wouldn’t go away.
I looked down between my legs and noticed I was driving a truck.
Well, backing up a truck.
I was particularly pleased with myself for making this discovery
and for not being a dolphin.

Jim asked: “May I have more butter.”
I replied: “I’m sorry Jim there is no more butter.”
Knowing full well that we had a fridge in the janitorial supply closet fully stocked with butter.
It felt good to be an asshole.
And to not be a dolphin.

Martin Van Buren

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What did President Martin Van Buren ever do.

Well he invented Bureaucracy.

That’s quite a legacy when you come to think about it.

It’s not like being the first President to visit Mars,

but it’s still pretty impressive.

In fact, if a President did try to visit Mars,

he would probably have to fill out a lot of paperwork.

Ah, bureaucracy.

Maybe this is more impressive than being the first President to visit Mars.

He created a system to allow or prevent a President from visiting Mars.

It’s clear that in developing such as system that Martin Van Buren

was indeed ahead of his time.

He also had massive sideburns and a pet snake.

As well as many other reasons to hate him.