Infinite-Yard Stare




Devote. Trash. Life.


I cannot talk about first Tim.

He was my best friend in high school.

After his first year of college…

He spent a summer in Europe

Arrived back at the San Francisco International Airport,

but in his way of going home to our home town at the time Santa Rosa

was the Golden Gate Bridge…

They refer to him as 1023.

The Golden Gate Bridge and Golden Gate Transit System refer to him as 1023.

They no longer give out these numbers.

He went bungie-jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge,

before they invented bungies.

He left me a note

I still have that note.

I read it every year on his birthday.

He was 19.

He was the 1023rd suicide committed off the Golden Gate Bridge

I can’t tell the first Tim story at this time.

It’s too painful.



At this time, I can tell you about 2nd Tim.

2nd Tim was my “boss” when I turned 23.

Upon meeting 2nd Tim without acknowledging my existence….

Tim: You a forklift driver son?

Me: I am whatever is takes sir.

Tim: Good. You then are a forklift driver.

And if you ever need any forklift driving done…

I am the best mother-fucking forklift operator on the planet.

I challenge anyone who would be fucking foolish enough to dare to doubt me.

2nd Tim.



Tim served in Viet Nam.

More than that Tim served “heavily.”

His job was “enemy interrogation.”

Not for every man.

Time break. If need Tim reference… see movie reference “Unthinkable”

Yes. Yeah, that’s Tim.

Yes. Yeah, that was Tim’s job.

He only looked at me once.


That is when he asked: You a forklift driver son?

And then he looked me in the eye as his new guy…

And in his eye, was “infinite hate.”

I was his new “top guy”???? and what he showed me in his eye was????……”infinite hate?????”

He looked at me as if he wanted to rape me, kill me, peal the skin off my body,

shit on me, and then send a snapshot of all of this to my mother.

I have never felt more fear in all my life.

Me: Yes sir. I am your forklift driver.

I am whatever it takes.

Tim: Good.

Tim allowed his one and only smile…

You heard ‘bout the 1000-yard stare?

That’s when a soldier has seen too much hard combat and it appears

the focus in his eyes is 1000 yards away (google it)




Tim. There was no point of focus of his stare.

It was the billion, billion, billion yard stare?

Tim had what we call the “infinite- yard stare”

No return

I’ll explain later in this story after the gingerbread house

and Hantzel and Gretel. Get my drift?

No mother-fucking return….


No mother-fucking return….

He never looked me in the eye again.

And I assure you I am thankful.

When he talked to me giving me and the rest of the team he gave orders like I/we did not exist.

He was in another room having a conversation with God…

And I strongly suspect he was…

He would acknowledge when I reciprocated with the answers he expected.

He would smile, laugh, and light another cigarette….

But I did not exist.

None of us did.

He was the boss and when he talked to us he never made eye-contact.

5 minutes… day-one was enough to establish absolute authority.

There was no further need.

If we did not get it, we were out.

He was purely having a conversation with himself and God.

It was like this in all subsequent conversations.

This was not just for me… but for everyone.

Tim was in the darkness 20 years.
He advised us after 10 years in the darkness, there was no coming back.

He was never able to come out of the darkness.

We all love him, respect him, mourn, and cry for Tim as he taught us….

Me: I spent 10 years, 6-months…

After my “engagement” I went back to school at 32 to get my degree in Electrical Engineering.

Everything fine on the surface….

But at a minimum 6-months too deep…

Career, business, financial success, financially set for life…

But 6-months too deep…

Don’t know if I can solve that one Tim.

Trying. Trying hard.

I’m trying hard Tim.

I swear to God Tim I am trying.

Yo.  Yo.  Any help. Any suggestions you got Tim.

Most appreciated.

Most appreciated.






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