Got Chutney?

Meanwhile, in London….

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My mother used to tell me stories about the “Tooth Fairy”,
which I believed until one night I woke up with a tooth under
my pillow and found the room filled with flying gorillas.
One asked for some chutney.

Later as we climbed Mount Everest and the bitter cold set in I faced
the grim reality that not all of us were going to make it.
Then I realized I didn’t have wings and couldn’t fly, increasing
the odds that it would be me.

How we all got swallowed by that whale I’ll never know.
Me: “Hey, Jonah.”
Jonah: “Got any chutney?”
Now I know why the flying gorillas had brought me here.

In the distance the dwarves were mining for jewels.
Snow White: Please form a single line to get your passports stamped.
Snow White asked if we were bringing any banned food substances
into the country.
I said no.
One gorilla handed her a jar of chutney.

It contained beef.

Potential for…”Mad Cow’s Disease.”

I got fucked the same way by SFO cretins, when I brought back a stick of Salami from Italy for my son for Christmas. Rather than throw it away…I ate the entire stick of Salami, in front of the home-land-security agents before being let into America.  You could read the disappointment on their faces that they had not been able to make me just throw the salami away. This made the “limo” driver picking me up have to wait 20 minutes. The additional $200 for his time was billed to the San Francisco International Airport.

They paid immediately.

When I awoke in the morning in place of my tooth under
the pillow was a quarter.

And a jar of chutney.

And a coupon for 10% off on long-term parking from the San Francisco Airport.

 

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