Candy

candy

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At first I thought it was funny that there was no candy.

Then I thought  we were all going to die.

Then I laughed until I wet my pants.

Then I was put on a suicide watch because there was no candy.

 

When the man with the candy finally arrived we treated him

like a lost Gnome returning from Siberia.

In other words, we killed him and took all his candy.

 

The first thing we did was go through all the candy bags

to confirm they did not contain any snakes.

Amanda ate too much candy too quickly, got a sugar rush,

and fell out the window.

Ted put Bar-B-Q sauce on his candy indicating

he was likely from Texas.

 

I thought about putting some of the candy in a piñata

and hitting it with a stick as everyone would enjoy this.

Instead, to save time I just hit Ted with the stick.

And we all took his candy.

People seemed to enjoy this.

 

Ted made the inappropriate comment that we had hired Amanda,

because she was a piece of eye candy.

I went over to Amanda and put my eye against her shoulder.

She politely said: “What the f**k are you doing!”

And then poked me in the eye.

I went back to Ted and hit him again with the stick.

 

We invited all our friends over to enjoy the candy,

but when we realized this would result in less candy

for each of us we locked them in the basement.

I saw an airplane fly by outside the window and wondered

if they were after our candy.

To be safe, I called the police and told them there was a bomb

on that airplane.

 

The President stopped by and asked if we had any candy.

I called the police again and told them that the President

had planted the bomb on the airplane.

 

Later, after eating so much candy that we nearly popped,

in order to protect ourselves from potential tooth decay,

we brushed out teeth.

 

And then I hit Ted again with the stick.

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