Almost Human



People are sensitive.

That’s why when you tell them that they’re stupid or ugly

you should probably start off by complimenting their haircut.


One time I had to bring to a guy’s attention

that he was a complete moron.

I took any sting out of the message by giving him a big smile

and using positive body language, when I delivered my observation.

I said he looked like he was probably the stupidest person alive.

Then I corrected myself.

He looked like he was definitely the stupidest person alive.

I could tell he had grasped my subtle message

as tears streamed down his face. He was also an asshole.

Then I noticed the whole time I had been looking in the mirror.


Another time I had to let a person know that he obviously

had not evolved to the state of current mankind,

but that he was almost human.

Through such positive reinforcement, I was probably

able to avoid a scene as security dragged him from the premises.

As they dragged me I wondered how that mirror got in my cubicle.


People can tell when you really care.

They’re also pretty good at knowing when you really hate them.

You just need to be sensitive when you’re explaining

why you think they should be dead.

Then I looked in my rear view mirror.

“Hello there Mr. President, what are you doing driving my car?

“That’s a really good haircut.”


One response to “Almost Human

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