Sensitive Man




She said she needed a “sensitive man.”

I started crying uncontrollably and said:

“You don’t know how long I have been waiting

to hear a woman say that…”

But my response was not having the effect that I had hoped for…

So, I stopped rolling around on the floor, got up, and put my clothes back on.


She: No, I mean a “sensitive man.”

So I started rummaging through her tool box

and found a shiny ball peen hammer.

I pulled out her family heirloom china

and started smashing the dishes with the ball peen hammer.

Me trying to be sensitive: “I’m going to miss those dishes.”

She: What are you crazy!

That was my mother’s ball peen hammer!


She: I need a “sensitive man.”


Me: You mean one who doesn’t fart in bed.

She: No.


Me: One who doesn’t fart in bed and pull the blankets over your head?

She: No


She: A “sensitive man.”

Me: You mean a man who wears a loud Hawaiian Shirt

and sips a girly drink with a tiny colorful umbrella?


She: Sigh.





The New York Times Monkey Electric Interview

New York Times: Some would say your writings are deliberately stupid.

Monkey: Stupid?

NYT: Yes.

Monkey: Deliberately?

NYT: Yes.

Monkey: Writings?

NYT: Err, yes.

Monkey: This interview is over!!!


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