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All the dead aliens in Area 51 turned out to be weather balloons.

Were some of them “snakes” that had been put in decompression chambers to avoid

getting the “bends” after deep-sea diving?

Yes. All of them.


Sometimes when someone tells you the truth or things called “facts” the best thing to do

is pretend you care.



Young child: Mom where do babies come from?

Mom: The hospital.

How they get there I have no idea.


Same young child: Where does the food go that we eat?

Same Mom: I have absolutely no idea.

The hospital?

Do you have any easy questions?


Later, that day at Area 51…

Hey, look…

All that that food that people have been eating that went missing…

It all showed up on the Jim’s desk.

The Year Without Science


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I like some isotopes more than others.

Most people have such a natural prejudice.

Sometimes when people say “radioactive” what they actually mean

is Nobel Inert Gas, but not usually. (Well, except maybe for Tim.)

Steve: When the Jiffy Pop Popcorn foil expands upon heating is it magic?

Einstein’s Ghost: Yes.

Stephanie: Look. That bird flying in the sky.

It’s science.

Joe: If you mean the fact that a bird can fly and we can’t then you would be right.

Stephanie: What? No.

What? Birds can fly?

No. I meant that that bird was carrying a pan of expanded Jiffy Pop Popcorn.

Steve: Einstein’s Ghost already confirmed that was magic.

Nobel Prize Presentation in Physics Committee: Can anyone in the audience think of anything

involving science that we can use as an excuse for presenting the award this year?

Isaac Newton: Windshield wipers???

Einstein’s Ghost: Sorry. Also, magic.

Chairman: This year’s Nobel Prize in Physics goes to Meryl Streep.

Madonna: This sucks!!!

Fill Out the Form


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When you say “monkey” how big a “monkey” are we talking?

Can the “said” monkey pilot a dirigible?

He has what kind of license in the state of Texas?


Mostly “Cypress Hill?

He’s from Compton.

Facial tattoos?

A polar bear and “Mighty Mouse”.

By “Vegan” do you mean carnivore?

Yes. I know the chocolate coins covered with golden foil are not real coins.

Define housebroken.

Well, happy birthday.

No, I didn’t get you anything. I didn’t know until now.

Yes, I know I couldn’t pay for a present with those chocolate gold foil coins.

You’re right if you planted corn, water melons could come up if the seeds in the packet were mislabeled.

To report a fire.

Why else would I call 911?

The Pretzel of Friendship


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The Pope: You gonna eat that last pretzel?

The Dali Lama: How ‘bout we split it.

And thus was formed a friendship that would last well-beyond the next mass extinction of

dinosaurs on Earth.

God: God, I hate when this happens.

Who would have thought that the dinosaurs would go extinct twice in 500M years from a

meteorite strike?

The Dali Lama: Don’t take is so hard friend, at least the Cubbies won it all this year!

God: That’s right the Cubs won it all and I enjoyed it with a friend.

The Dali Lama: That’s what friends are for…


Tales of the Road Donut

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I decided to start trying my potential Halloween outfits out early this year, so on Ground Hog’s Day

I went to church dressed as a zombie.

The Priest met me with a sawed-off shotgun and said:

“Have you met God? Would you like to meet him?!!”

Me: You bet!

The next thing I know is I’m up in Heaven and there’s God rolling a 50-foot donut down the road….

using a stick like the children playing in the 1880’s.

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

That God was rolling such a big donut down the road.

Such a big donut without “sprinkles.”

Later, at orientation he asked if I would like a piece of his “road donut.”

Me to self: Jesus, what is wrong with this guy?

Me  politely to  God: No thank you sir, I prefer “sprinkles.”

God pulled out his magic fairy wand waiving it and transforming the 50-foot “non-sprinkled” donut

into a million donut holes.

He smiled and nodded at me.

I smiled and nodded back at God.

Me to self: Jesus, what is wrong with this guy’s hearing?

I don’t know if that monkey can pilot a dirigible.

I opened my little music box and noticed that the ballerina had broken during the flight from Earth.

Yes…..Heaven was truly turning out to be Hell.