Over-Apologizing

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I used to not care about other people’s feelings.

Or for that matter if they were even alive.

But then I became “sensitive.”

And I found that a statement like:

“You are stupid and ugly!”

Could be taken the wrong way.

Well, actually I guess it was usually taken the right way.

But with my new “sensitivity”, I came to realize that

such statements were often not honest.

It was seldom the case that a person was both “stupid” and “ugly.”

Some of the most appallingly stupid people I have ever

met have actually been quite attractive.

And individuals that were sometimes “butt-ugly”

could often be exceptionally intelligent.

I knew I had to change my life,

but wanted to do so without effort or thinking

So, I resorted like other desperate people

(many appallingly stupid and butt-ugly)

to reading self-help books.

One book emphasized that sometimes if we hurt another

person’s feelings we should not just apologize, but over-apologize.

This seemed like a reasonable approach as it did not require thinking.

Here’s how I used this approach to enrich both my and my boss’s life

and possibly help bring us all closer to world peace.

I knew my boss was upset with me as he was in his office shoving

pins into the voodoo doll he had made of me during his staff meeting that week.

So, I decided to apologize.

Me to boss: I’m sorry that I used an 11-point Arial font on my PowerPoint presentation.”

He seemed unfazed, so I decided to try over-apologizing.

Me: I’m sorry that I took a slice out of the cake in the break room that had your name written in

frosting before anyone could find some candles and for sleeping with your wife.

Still not much response, so I decided to ratchet things up a notch.

Me: I’m sorry I ever met you.

Still not biting.

Ok.

Me: I’m sorry you were ever born.

There.

As I left my boss’s office he was in tears.

Tears of joy due to my my simple expression of kindness,

which was guided and enhanced by “over-apologizing.”

Returning to my office I reflected:

“God, is that guy appallingly stupid and butt-ugly.”

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