Does It Look Like I Committed the Murder?

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I’m a bit awkward in social situations.

I never know what to say.

So I figured the safe and polite way to go was to repeat

what someone may have asked me to show respect

and that I was listening.

 

Waitress: “Top off that coffee?”

Me: “Does it look like my coffee needs topped off?”

She didn’t top if off.

That was curious.

And my hamburger taste like somebody spit on it!

 

My boss: “How’s that important assignment going?”

Me: “Does it look like I know how that important

assignment is going?

My boss: “You care about the success of the program for the company, right?”

Me: “Does it look like care about the success of the program?”

He had me join him for lunch in the company cafeteria.

He said something to cook.

I got a hamburger that taste like somebody spit on it!

 

The district attorney… again: “Did you commit the murder?

Me: “Does it look like I committed the murder?

He threw his hands up in the air.

I thought perhaps he was signaling a touchdown,

but then they hand-cuffed me and put me in a holding cell

I got a hamburger that taste like somebody spit on it!

 

Years later as I stared out the from behind the bars

and looked back over my life,

I could come to only one conclusion.

 

The President was a robot.

 

robot

President: I’m a robot.

Stop oppressing me.

 

Anderson Cooper: You’re the President of the United States, by MTV standards/definition it is impossible for you to be oppressed.

President Robot:Phew! Good thing MTV is no longer relevant, but they did teach me to be a “victim”…where’s my cash lump sum?

 

Coco Channel: Thank God they made a movie about my worthless life in fashion.

F*ck that Polish-born Physicist Marie Currie.

 

I am so much… per Hollywood…a more suitable role model for young American Girls

than some Polish girl with no make-up skills who won a Nobel Prize in Physics.

Loser.

 

Madonna: I’m going to blow up the White House.

New Director of FBI: You do realize that making such a statement is illegal?

Madonna: When I say I am going to blow up the White House you are obviously stupid and misinterpreting what I am saying.

Don’t bother to come to Hollywood.

New Director of FBI:  I’m scheduling a colonoscopy as we speak.

Madonna: And that is why I am still so incredibly sexy.

And why people care what my opinion is and what I say.

Hey, where did everyone go?

 

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3 responses to “Does It Look Like I Committed the Murder?

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