Tree Sitters

 

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Where I live tree-sitters have become a real problem.

 

My favorite tree is this 400-year old oak down at the park.

I showed up one day with a chainsaw

to cut it down and wouldn’t you know it…

there was a damn tree-sitter up in the thing.

 

We also have a shortage of quality baby-sitting in our area.

 

I’m always looking for win-win situations and was wondering

if some of these tree-sitters might double as baby-sitters.

You know with the babies up in the trees.

 

This would allow more working couples to go to the movies

and make people even less likely to cut down the trees.

It’s win-win for everyone.

 

Well, except maybe for me.

 

My son’s too old for a baby-sitter

and I have this brand new chainsaw,

so this situation isn’t really win-win for me.

 

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Self-Worth boss version

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Speaker:

A good way to improve your feeling of self-worth is by putting others down.

It’s also helpful to mention how bloated and ugly they have become.

Referring to everyone as: “Hey stupid” can brighten your day as killing everyone is illegal.

Be sure to roll your eyes a lot and sigh heavily to let people know you are superior to them.

Me: Wow. How do you know all of this?

Speaker: “I’m the boss.”

The Art of Spin

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Product developer: With our current failure rate our yield  is only 36%.

Marketing: If we ignored all failures would our yield be 100%?

Marketing: Yes. Good.

Marketing: Shouldn’t we then target ignoring all  failures?

Product development team. (Stunned silence.)

Marketing after meeting later to CEO: Marketing has solved the yield problem.

Weekly One-on-One

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Oh great, it’s time for my weekly one-on-one with my boss.

It pretty much consists of him just quoting and misquoting a bunch

of business or other  clichés that pass as “boss-speak.”

My Boss: Work smarter  not harder

Me: Why don’t we work stupid and lazy?

Well,…I guess we can’t all be on the CEO track.

My Boss: Follow your passion

Me: What if my passion is killing you?

Boss: You’ve got to stop beating yourself up.

Me: Actually, I brought this baseball bat for you,

so I could follow my passion.

Boss: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade

Me: My impression was you made some kind of mixed drink

with alcohol in it. Did someone give you lemons this morning?

Boss: People are our greatest asset.

Me: Does that explain your hoarding rolls of toilette paper from

the men’s room behind your desk?

Boss: It’s a game changer

Me: You mean like switching from the Superbowl to The Wheel

of Fortune during half time at your house and thinking that nobody

would notice?

Boss: Was the “All Hands Meeting a Spelling Bee?”

Me: No, everyone but you  just used a spell checker on their

Powerpoint presentation.

Boss:  I was just talking out load.

Me: Perhaps listening to the voices in your head?

Boss: Did you say there was lemonade?

Genius Haircut

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I told my boss I thought he was the most brilliant person alive.
He struggled to grasp what I was talking about.
I thought to myself: Why is it always this way with geniuses
Sir Issace Newton didn’t know how to make a pot of coffee.
Actually, that was my boss.
Einstein didn’t know how to flush.
Sorry, that again was my boss.
Let’s say your boss walks up to you and asks what day it is?
Your response: I didn’t know you were still alive.
It’s flattering. It’s like that celebrity that no one has heard anything from for a long time.
Probably because of drug problems.
Clearly your boss is both a celebrity and a genius.
How else can you explain that haircut?

Leadership Lessons from Jim and Santa Claus

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Then one day our boss declared that Santa Claus did not exist.
It was a hard sell.
Who had been coming up with those projected sales figures each quarter?

He then dismissively declared that the Easter Bunny did not exist.
You could hear audible gasps from the water cooler.
How else could you explain our product roadmap and business plan the last 3 years?

Finally, he proclaimed there was no Tooth Fairy.

Jim walked up and punched him in the mouth knocking out a tooth.
Jim picked up the tooth and handed it to the boss.
Jim: Too bad you won’t be getting a quarter for that tonight.

The Tooth Fairy smiled contently in the parking lot, while watching guard
as Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny let the air out of the boss’s tires.