Frankenstein and the Mad Scientist

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Frankenstein was created by a mad scientist.

He was mad when Frankenstein would misplace his car keys.

He was mad when Frankenstein used up all the hot water during his shower.

He was mad when Frankenstein drank out of the open milk carton in

the refrigerator.

Frankenstein wanted the scientist to stop being so mad.

So on Father’s Day he snuck up behind him and gave him a great big bear hug.

Unfortunately, Frankenstein wasn’t able to control his super-monster strength

And he squeezed too hard and the scientist’s eye’s popped out.

At least he’s not mad any more.

Clone Sweet Clone

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Eventually, the Old Folks Home became an Old Clones Home.

These guys just wouldn’t die.

And over a period of time with evolution being what it is…

we evolved to have a civilization that basically was just one guy.

One guy cloned 10 billion times.

 

This greatly simplified things.

One size of pants was now manufactured.

All undesirable ice cream flavors were immediately discontinued.

Cat sales exploded as he liked cats.

 

Everything seemed to be going well.

A lot of the prior inefficiencies due to variation

throughout our species were eliminated.

With default standardization, all of evolution

could now be focused in the same direction

and we could really start to make progress.

 

It was the future.

It’s funny how natural selection works.

The final clone that emerged in the battle of evolution

was that guy that passes you on the freeway

and never turns off his blinker.

You don’t know if it’s safe to pass him

or what he’s going to do next.

He never turns off that blinker.

 

I was glad to be dead.

Tree Sitters

 

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Where I live tree-sitters have become a real problem.

 

My favorite tree is this 400-year old oak down at the park.

I showed up one day with a chainsaw

to cut it down and wouldn’t you know it…

there was a damn tree-sitter up in the thing.

 

We also have a shortage of quality baby-sitting in our area.

 

I’m always looking for win-win situations and was wondering

if some of these tree-sitters might double as baby-sitters.

You know with the babies up in the trees.

 

This would allow more working couples to go to the movies

and make people even less likely to cut down the trees.

It’s win-win for everyone.

 

Well, except maybe for me.

 

My son’s too old for a baby-sitter

and I have this brand new chainsaw,

so this situation isn’t really win-win for me.

 

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dog Interview

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1st Interviewer: “OK, well thanks for letting me sniff your butt.”

2nd Interviewer: “OK, well thanks for letting me sniff your butt.”

3rd Interviewer: “OK, well thanks for letting me sniff your butt.”

Group meeting.

3rd  Interviewer: “Well, should we hire him?

1st Interviewer: “What are you crazy, he wanted to sniff my butt.”

Self-Worth

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Speaker:

A good way to improve your feeling of self-worth is by putting others down.

It’s also helpful to mention how bloated and ugly they have become.

Referring to everyone as: “Hey stupid” can brighten your day as killing everyone is illegal.

Be sure to roll your eyes a lot and sigh heavily to let people know you are superior to them.

Me: Wow. How do you know all of this?

Speaker: “I’m the boss.”

The Art of Spin

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Product developer: With our current failure rate our yield  is only 36%.

Marketing: If we ignored all failures would our yield be 100%?

Marketing: Yes. Good.

Marketing: Shouldn’t we then target ignoring all  failures?

Product development team. (Stunned silence.)

Marketing after meeting later to CEO: Marketing has solved the yield problem.

Weekly One-on-One

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Oh great, it’s time for my weekly one-on-one with my boss.

It pretty much consists of him just quoting and misquoting a bunch

of business or other  clichés that pass as “boss-speak.”

My Boss: Work smarter  not harder

Me: Why don’t we work stupid and lazy?

Well,…I guess we can’t all be on the CEO track.

My Boss: Follow your passion

Me: What if my passion is killing you?

Boss: You’ve got to stop beating yourself up.

Me: Actually, I brought this baseball bat for you,

so I could follow my passion.

Boss: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade

Me: My impression was you made some kind of mixed drink

with alcohol in it. Did someone give you lemons this morning?

Boss: People are our greatest asset.

Me: Does that explain your hoarding rolls of toilette paper from

the men’s room behind your desk?

Boss: It’s a game changer

Me: You mean like switching from the Superbowl to The Wheel

of Fortune during half time at your house and thinking that nobody

would notice?

Boss: Was the “All Hands Meeting a Spelling Bee?”

Me: No, everyone but you  just used a spell checker on their

Powerpoint presentation.

Boss:  I was just talking out load.

Me: Perhaps listening to the voices in your head?

Boss: Did you say there was lemonade?