Boss Pep Talk

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I find the people who are easiest to respect
are the people that don’t talk.

2nd on the list are people who are dead.

The people I really respect are dead and don’t talk.

And so the boss’s pep talk went….

By the end of it most of us had so much respect
for him we either wished him to not talk, be dead, or be dead and not talk.

Just kidding.

We all just wanted him dead.

Bring Your Pet to Work Day

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On bring your pet to work day Jill brought her tortoise.
Martin brought his ant farm
and Lilian her iguana.

I didn’t have a pet, so I brought a stuffed animal.
At first security wasn’t going to let me into the building,
but after our boss entered with a balloon animal they relented.

There were prizes and some of the pets were accidentally eaten for lunch.

Sometimes when I’m walking down the street I talk loudly to myself
saying: “What are you looking at!!!”

This generally ensures that no one looks at me.

I hate when I’m carrying a stuffed animal and people look at me.

When the Snakes Return

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When the snakes returned we stood

on our front porch and pumped our fists in the air.

Chanting proudly:

“USA! USA! USA!”

This had little effect on the snakes as they kept

their cool snake emotions in check.

 

Jim drew a picture of a snake with a crayon

on a piece of cardboard and the words “Welcome snakes”

He held it up for all the snakes to see.

Their reaction was that of no reaction.

 

They had played their cards well and had

checkmated us at our own game.

 

They flowed by the house

Like a river of snakes.

Like an ocean of snakes.

Like snakes that were late for a bus,

but who did not care because they

did not ride that particular bus.

We sang and danced

and celebrated until dawn.

And then  those of us who were

stilll alive went to the hospital

to get treated for our snake bites.

Space Junk

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The Soviet Union, United States, and some other wanna-be space nations

have been firing stuff into space since the mid-50’s.

So much, one has to watch out for hitting some of this permanently

orbiting debris if they travel to the outer limits of our atmosphere or beyond.

I kept this in mind as I boarded my rocket in my backyard and began my ascent.

As the sky started to turn from blue to black, I dodged something that looked

like a water heater giving birth to a microwave oven.

A short distance later I barely avoided a refrigerator and a vacuum cleaner

making love.

Then blam.

I smashed into the giant penis and testicles.

Wouldn’t you know it… space junk.

Rainbows and Unicorns

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My young daughter loves rainbows and unicorns.

So for her birthday we completely repainted her bedroom with rainbows

and I bought her a unicorn.

My daughter offered the unicorn a handful of grain and the unicorn bent forward and poked her in the eye with that damn horn.

Now she has to wear a black eye patch over that eye.

She’s no longer so fond of unicorns.

Now she likes pirates!

So I’m looking on Ebay to see if I can get her a metal hook for each hand for Christmas.

She can also use those metal hook hands when feeding that unicorn.

That should even up the odds.

 

http://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/news/2012/9/record-holder-profile-big-jake-worlds-tallest-horse-video-44749/