Boss Pep Talk

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I find the people who are easiest to respect
are the people that don’t talk.

2nd on the list are people who are dead.

The people I really respect are dead and don’t talk.

And so the boss’s pep talk went….

By the end of it most of us had so much respect
for him we either wished him to not talk, be dead, or be dead and not talk.

Just kidding.

We all just wanted him dead.

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Bring Your Pet to Work Day

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On bring your pet to work day Jill brought her tortoise.
Martin brought his ant farm
and Lilian her iguana.

I didn’t have a pet, so I brought a stuffed animal.
At first security wasn’t going to let me into the building,
but after our boss entered with a balloon animal they relented.

There were prizes and some of the pets were accidentally eaten for lunch.

Sometimes when I’m walking down the street I talk loudly to myself
saying: “What are you looking at!!!”

This generally ensures that no one looks at me.

I hate when I’m carrying a stuffed animal and people look at me.

More Thanksgiving Family Notes

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I was horrified to learn we had invited a bunch of cannibals to Thanksgiving Dinner.

There would be way too much turkey left over.

As a buffer, I seated a manikin on both my left and right.

Early on Aunt Louis complained non-stop about everything.

We asked her to give some of the cannibals a tour of the house and she was never seen again.

Moe watched football.

One cannibal asked how to get cranberry stains out of Aunt Louis’s car.

It felt like the night before Christmas, but it was the day before Black Friday.

We actually forgot to turn on the ovens, so the only people to eat turkey were vegan.

Later, Jeff set up the trampolines to help with our digestion.

Carbon Footprint

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I tried to reduce my carbon footprint.

I bought clown shoes that were 2 sizes too small.

I had to use a shoehorn to squeeze into my ruby slippers.

I proposed that the co-generation plant in our town be fueled by burning

wooden Dutch shoes.

Then I found out that Snowshoe Rabbits do not wear snowshoes.

I felt gyped.

Then I thought about people swallowing goldfish and felt better.

Highlights from Our Family Thanksgiving

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Look at me everybody.

I’m a bird.

Mom: Joseph can you please get down off the Thanksgiving table and put some clothes on?

Minxie: I like when you pour the cranberry out of the can and it just sits there on the plate as one big cylindrical slab.

Fred: Is that bird a free-range bird?

Cheryl: I believe that’s what we asked for at Safeway.

Fred: I was talking about Joseph!!!

Uncle Charles: When do the hillbillies arrive?

Dad: Please don’t refer to my relatives in such a manner.

They prefer free-range hobos.

Mom: Who put the cat in the refrigerator?

Timmy: Look what I can do with my pinkie toe.

Minxie: I no longer want any of the cranberry cylindrical slab!!!

Uncle Charles: I’m having an out-of-body experience.

Mom: Somebody get a mop.