The Creep



As is often the case it started in the men’s  bathroom.

I was washing my hands.

Creep to me: “I know where you live.”

I chose to ignore that as I went out the door.

I rode the bus up town and was getting ready to exit at my stop.

There he was sitting there.

Creep: “I know where you live.”

A bit unnerving, but I quickly exited.

I enjoyed the afternoon matinee and was feeling at peace

I was moving towards the door when there he was again.

Creep: “I know where you live.”

That was it, I got the hell out of there and quickly walked away

into the throng of people on the busy city sidewalk.

After a dozen blocks I was starting to regain my composure

Rounding a corner near a deli there he was again.

This time I prepared myself to deal with the situation.

Creep: “I know where you live.”

Me: “I know. You’re my mailman.”

Gravity’s Negative Attitude

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Next time let gravity do the work.
The next time you have an 800 lb block of plutonium
that you want to move from coffee table to the floor,
might I suggest you let gravity do the work.

Why risk slowly bending over and lowering
the Plutonium and risking a back injury?
It just seems to me that we should try to get
something useful out of gravity for a change.
Perhaps just once it could help us
or indulge me…. actually do some work.

Just push that block of plutonium off the coffee table.
Now gravity will be forced to get off its lazy behind
and do some work guiding the 800 lb
block of Plutonium to the floor.
Right on top of your collection
of grandmother’s heirloom china set.

What the hell is it with gravity?
Lazy, and then when it finally is forced to do some work
it does more damage than good.
It would have been easier if I had just done the work myself.
And what’s with the attitude?
And why does gravity keep moving back into the house
every couple of years?


Late Lunch



(The New McDonald’s Clown capitalizing on evil clown scare.)

I used to love chicken sandwhiches.
That is until I learned that chiken sandwiches
were made out of whale meat.

It all boils down to simple economics.

If you go into a McDonald’s and order a “Whale Burger” some Green-Peacer
is going to go Donald Trump on you!

On the other hand, if you sell whale meat as chicken McNuggets or chicken sandwiches

at Wendy’s, whale meat is going to fly off the grill or out of the deep fryer.

It’s a win-win for everyone.

Well, except possibly for the whale.

And any Green Peacer’s that may have been  swallowed by a whale like Jonah.


One Day in the Near Future

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Woman: Where did that shaved monkey get all those prison tattoos?
Girl: That’s Grandpa. Your husband.
Woman: He has a lot of metal body piercings. Is that to hook him up to farm machinery?
Girl: Yes. Just like yours.
Women: Does he still live at home with his parents?
Girl: They died before he could move out.
Woman: He looks like one of those hipsters.
Girl: Titanium-alloy hip replacement surgery not included.
Woman: Is that you Cheetah?!!
Girl: I’m your granddaughter.

Learning to Fly



Before I fly off the top of the Empire State Building,

I took the time to write your name with a permanent marker all over my naked body.

That way when I leap and fly successfully in arching loops to the ground,

when the reporters come running up to celebrate my accomplishment they will

ask me why your name is written all over my body and I will tell them:

“Because you doubted me”.

Enjoy your humiliation.