Friendly Mountain Goat



Christmas tree farms.
Friendly mountain goat.
Hey, look it’s election day
and we just determined
that neither Hillary
nor Donald were born in
the United States.
How about you friendly mountain goat?
Later that January.
Friendly mountain goat repeat after me.

Now I’m stringing a light strand with little Halloween pumpkins.

Now I’m slicing red onions for a sandwich possibly with pastrami.

Now I’m..
Well, hello there good luck Friday afternoon leprechaun.
How’d did you get in here?
It’s not happy hour, but I believe everyone here is in a mood to get happy.

Friendly Mountain Goat: You expect me to repeat all of that?

No one said it was easy being President.



Dead or Alive?


Got 11-figures tumbling in my every step.

That’s why I’m here right now.

It’s a government requirement.

In case anything goes sidesways.

I’m an insurance polity.

I’m the government’s 11-figure insurance policy.


death seeks out

some people

and some people

seek out death


more directly

they throw the

dice and the dice

come up snake eyes


every time

but they slip through

the death’s fingers

like grabbing a


hand full of water

death looks down at

her cold, wet, empty

palm at the



and a chill runs

down death’s spine

there are some things


to fear more than

death and some things

that even death fears


I park my Lexus in the same spot every morning.

I keep every kind of gun I need locked up in my computer room.

Those guys who shot out our windows.

Still boarded up right now.

They are a problem that no longer exists.


I found these 3 guys dead when I entered their house to borrow a tooth brush officer.

Officer Friendly: That’s what’s going in my report.

We can take it from here.

How are things with SOCCENT?


Me: 401K plan could be better.


Got 11-figures tumbling in my every step.

I’m the government’s 11-figure insurance policy.

In order to do business, it’s a government requirement that I be here.

A requirement by the most powerful government in the world.

The People’s Republic of China.








A monkey and a hoola-hoop, the possibilities are endless.

Whether it’s leading the land of the free or giving hope to the rest

of world everyone needs a donut.

Not bad.

Not bad at all I thought.

But too much fluff.


A monkey and a hoola-hoop the possibilities are endless.

Whether it’s planning a mission to Mars or wearing a hat

everyone needs a donut.

Much better.

Much, much better.

Then the door swung open and the man said:

Mr. President it’s time for you to deliver

the “State of the Union”

I would have to wing the rest.

Meet the Tailor


unstop my bottle

let out the genie

like the garment cut?

butt floss bikini

view from above

better from beneath

don’t forget to

floss your teeth


acrobatically I’m

Cirque du Soleil


are you falling

for me boy?



now I’m dressed

in my Sunday best

meet the tailor

like my birthday suit?

hello sailor

any requests?


put your ankles

behind your ears


shall we get started