Steak and Sizzle

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when I look at her

I wish I was the scientist

who invented x-ray vision

x-ray vision that stops right

after the clothes if you

know what I mean

 

she rolled around

uncontrollably

as she was well-oiled

I had to take the batteries

out of my smoke detector

because of all the sparks

 

she said she wanted

both the steak

and the sizzle

 

with extra sizzle

 

but I wanted to give

her extra steak as well

 

she moves

her body

like fire

in slow motion

 

like fire

that dances

so slowly you

want to touch it

 

touch so bad

you don’t care

if you are burned

by the hear

 

of her fire

 

when I was young

I was told that

if I did it too often

I would go blind

still I just can’t stop

 

looking at her

 

Judgment Day

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The apartment policy said clearly: “No ducks.”
And it was in the lease: “No ducks.”
It was pretty clear: “No ducks.”
And yet I had a duck.

I and my duck were living beyond the law.
I often wondered what God would think
about this on Judgment Day.

Then the doorbell rang.
It was the mummy I had ordered.
It finally arrived.
I had completely forgotten about it,
having ordered it before Christmas.

I took him out of his crate a posed him on the couch
as if he were watching TV,
so he could become comfortable in his new home.
Also, as a crime deterrent for people looking in my window.

Later down by the pool my duck and I sat on chaise lounges.
A little dog paddled up, got out of the pool, and pulled out his clipboard.

Little Dog:”Well, it’s Judgment Day.”
He said looking down at his clipboard.
Little Dog: “Congratulations you both get into Heaven.”

My duck and I high-fived each other.
My duck quacked.

Then the little dog looked down at his clipboard.
He looked up at me.
He looked down at his clipboard.
Little Dog: “Hmmmm.”

He looked up at me:
Little Dog: “You’re not the mummy are you?”

 

 

 

Hotdog Oven

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Sometimes I wish I was born
with a miniature hotdog oven strapped on my back.
Or at least they strapped a miniature hotdog oven on by back,
when I left the hospital as an infant.

Then, later after I had grown up if I climbed Mount Everest
or was on the Moon I would have this hotdog oven on my back.

What could be better if I were to encounter “hostiles.”

“Everyone likes a warm hotdog. “
“Especially, one served piping hot from a miniature hotdog oven”
-Walt Whitman

What better way to disarm a “hostile.”
Well, I suppose a disarming smile.
Or, perhaps a gun.
Perhaps best for disarming “hostiles” would be a hotdog oven,
and disarming smile, and a gun.

So, if you’re ever looking at the moon through an incredibly powerful
telescope..perhaps from an observatory on the top.
of Mount Everest and see a guy with a hotdog oven strapped
to his back, with a disarming smile and gun…

Think of me.

And be my Valentine.

 

And some Mushroomhead for breakfast…

The Cat Prison

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I went to the cat prison.

I had a visit through a thick piece of glass with a cat

who had become my pen pal.

They recorded our conversation.

They recorded all the conversations.

They sounded mostly like a person talking to them self

with a lot of meowing going on in the background.

 

I baked a cake with a file in it,

but my cat pen pal wanted cat food.

Not the dry cat food, but the wet cat food.

And not the generic store brand cat food,

but the one served in small cans with chicken gravy,

and not the regular chicken gravy,

but the chicken gravy with cheese.

And heavy on the gravy.

And you got the small cans, right?

Not the medium-sized cans?

On the medium cans they skimp on the gravy.

 

The next weekend I went to the mouse prison.

That weekend a number of escapees were reported.

It was on all the news.

 

The following weekend I went back to the cat prison.

All the escapees from the mouse prison

were apprehended a couple days later,

after they were digested.

 

Sunday morning. Get up.

 

 

Voodoo

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Voodoo.

Your cat may be practicing it now

and you may not even be away of it.

 

Has your cat ever left a dead bird or mouse outside the door?

Voodoo.

 

Does she ever eat grass and then throw up?

Voodoo.

 

Ritualistically bury what is produced after going to the bathroom?

Voodoo.

 

Does she go into deep trance or appear to sometimes

be sleeping an impossible 18 hours or more a day?

Voodoo.

 

My cat has nine lives.

And a catnip voodoo doll.

She carries it everywhere

And leaves it in the litter box.

 

Happily, I keep ending up at the beach

with a hairball for a bathing cap.

That’s where I notice to 2 small red marks on my neck.

Sadly, I realize my cat has become a vampire.

The Snake President

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Everyone thought the snake was President.

I’m not sure why.

Perhaps it was his little stovepipe hat that made him look like Abraham Lincoln.

Perhaps it was his little beard without a mustache that made him look like Abraham Lincoln.

Anyway, as I moved towards my seat in the Ford Theatre

he gave me one of those creepy snake tongue flicking things.

So I chopped off his head with my machete.

And was arrested for killing the President.

Then I was given a ticker tape parade.

As everyone hated the snake President.

Especially Vice President Hamster.

Go Ask Angus

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Go Alice Ask Angus

(With apologies to Jefferson Airplane)

Go ask Angus

I think he’ll know.

When you need instructions on how to change a light bulb.

Or want to be able to evaluate the investment portfolio

of a private equity firm.

He will know.

And if your dog has been chasing rabbits.

(Actually squirrels, but it’s a stupid dog.)

And he’s been rolling in his own poop.

(Your dog, not Angus.)

Go ask Angus.

He can probably suggest a strong surfactant scrub with maximum

efficacy for removing that persistent rolled in dog poop smell.

When he’s whatever height is in normal height.

I don’t know, probably not much over 5 foot.

When your soup has grown cold

and you think maybe a pill will help.

Go ask Angus.

He’ll probably suggest you just microwave it again for 2 minutes.

Seriously, you can’t figure this stuff out and your wonder

why you can’t hold down a fulltime job?

Caterpillars, mushrooms, talking chess pieces.

Talking cards.

And a talking dormouse.

That’s an awful lot of talking before you had your coffee.

Don’t even try to talk to me before I’ve had my coffee or I might hear voices too.

You’re pretty easily distracted getting ready for work in the morning aren’t you?

Again, explaining your chronic tardiness and spotty employment record.

I used to have the same problem with “Sports Center.”

Go ask Angus.

If you’re not into vitamins, a great deal of clarity can likely be provided

by starting your morning with a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Feed your cat.

Feed your cat.

bonn

What would Bonn do?

(All photos taken partying with AC/DC after Day On the Green Oakland.)

angus