Life’s Surprise Party



If you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen.

Better yet, if you can’t stand the heat

maybe you should get out of the oven.

That’s probably why you can’t stand the heat in the first place.

And it’s unlikely that anyone is going to bake you a cake

for a surprise birthday party if they can’t use the oven.

Life’s short.

Get out of that oven and enjoy your surprise birthday party.

And don’t leave any dynamite in there when you get out of the oven.

Events involving dynamite produce poor birthday cake results.

And in general  will dampen the  mood for your surprise party.


Malicious Mischief



When the officer handcuffed me he said

it was for acts of “Malicious Mischief.”

That sounds like something he made up.

Look I was born male. Still am.

I’m always committing acts of malicious mischief.

It’s only the degree of maliciousness that varies.

So after 90 days in county when I got out I looked up

other “made up” laws, so I could be more law abiding

and possibly delay my inevitable path to Pelican Bay.

Here is some of what I found on the books.

1st degree horseplay.

Insidious tom-foolery.

Hare-brained kookiness.

Impetuous buffoonery.

Madcap zaniness.

Cockamamie goof-balling.

These laws could mean practically anything.

And I’m pretty sure I was up to at least one

or two of them at any given moment.

Had our country truly become a police state?

With a 51st star added to the flag for this state?

With a crazy made up name like some of the

other states with crazy made up names?

Like. Policifornia?

As I started to cross the street the officer handcuffed me:

“You’re going down good this time.”

Third strike.

Me: What’s the charge?

Officer: Incorrigible hi-jinx.

Modelo Nation



“Modelo Especial Bar Commercial”


It’s your first time here and 80% of the bar is staring at you.

(OK, it’s 100% because it’s a gay bar but they don’t like what they see,

so you go to another bar before they kick your ass.)


Good thing you invited Tommy who triples your street cred.

(He lives in his mother’s basement and makes her do his laundry.)


You order 3 Modelo Especials, earning 7 slow nods from the crowd.

(7 people who appreciate that you’re not drinking any of the good beer.)


You’re 20% more confidant.


Then you remember your ace in the hole.

Dylan and his encyclopedic knowledge of garage rock.

(Too bad he has a name like Dylan and Joe’s there who has an encyclopedic

knowledge of the Karma Sutra, which women seem to prefer.)


Nailed it. Modelo Especial. Discover the Especial


Dylan: Hey, I’m the “Ace.” Who nailed me into this hole?

My Shark Bitey



Me: Love boat karaoke. SS Minnow-style little buddy.

Judge: So, you admit to being naked in that night club?

Me: Sideways Sponge Bob Dali Lama.

DA: So everybody had a tattoo but you?

Me: Don’t tread on me. Hula hoop orgy. Ed Sullivan.

President Obama: So, you’re saying a Henna hair dye would cover up the white?

Me: Lefty-loosey. Righty-tighty

Good God all mighty.

Might makes right…

Kiss the snake good nighty.

Nighty-night. Nighty.

Meet my shark his name’s bitey

Obama: So, they would have a that color at Walmart?

I Become Lumberjack

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Sitting in traffic,

I decided to become a lumberjack.

So I rented the movie series “Saw”,

so I could get some training lumber-jacking.

The instructional films were very educational.

There was a lot more blood involved

in being a lumberjack than I had imagined.

And a surprising number of eyeballs without bodies attached.

There were also many parts of the job

involving lots of blood without trees or saws.

It was quite complicated and the still of the distant forest

was drowned out by all the screaming.

Becoming a lumberjack was nothing like I expected.

Actually, it was exactly as I expected!!!!!!!!!!!

I was happy I had decided to become a lumberjack.

Escher’s Remodel

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Escher decided to remodel his house.

You know the one where all the people are walking on walls

or the ceiling on stairways that defy gravity.

What a pain in the ass.

I was his contractor.

I spread out some blueprints on a table and they just

fell off, because the table was on the wall.

Then Escher gave me a cup of coffee and it fell up

to the ceiling. He just laughed.

What a mess.

I put the Bay Window in where he asked,

but when I was looking at them with Escher one of the

wall walkers stepped through the glass and broke it.

The new bathroom looked nice, but then a wall walker stepped

through the shower door and broke that too.

Escher just laughed.

I looked out the window, but all I could see was the lawn

and some bricks where I expected to see the sky.

I felt nauseous.

Then I noticed that wall walker from the shower

had sat down to go to the bathroom.

Oh, for the love of God…..

Who puts a toilette on the ceiling?!!

The Most Humble Man Alive

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My boss along with all the other super-bosses, had read many books on leadership.
And thus, all the super-bosses knew how important it was to be “humble.”

In fact, each would brag about how humble he was or that he was indeed the most humble.

Boss Jim had a huge billboard with flashing lights behind his desk with the message: “I am the most humble!”

Boss Bill had his office remade. Remade out of solid gold. Above the door was one simple word…”Humble.”

Boss Dave, perhaps the humblest of all would arrive at work every morning and have a “Blue Angels” flyover.
As the pilots pased our parking lot, they would eject from their jets and as they parachuted in formation
would unfurl the following banner: “Humblest of all.”

Then one day Jesus decided to come down from heaven to visit these truly humble men.

When he pulled his Suburu up to the curb, Bill:“WTF. That’s my parking space!!!”
Dave:”You’re blocking people’s view of my Blue Angel flyover!!!”
Dave: “Do these pants make me look fat?”

Jesus:”Yes Dave. Yes, they do make you look fat.”

Thus, Dave continued to wear the pants that made him look fat proving that he was the most humble.

Actually, all of Dave’s pants made him look fat, but he thought that Jesus was talking to a bird,
so Dave was still deemed the most humble.