Incomplete Idiot



I used to think my boss was a complete idiot.

For years I thought he was a complete idiot.

But then one day I realized he was an incomplete idiot at best.

He couldn’t do a lot of the things that the other idiots could.

I watched as he sat with the other bosses who were complete idiots

and as he struggled to keep up.

One boss had stuck a pencil in his ear and was talking into a banana

like it was a telephone.

Another boss was bouncing what he thought was a rubber ball

on the ground repeatedly.

It was his kidney.

My boss just sat there.

You could tell he wanted to try to put his banana up his nose,

but he just sat there with a garden hose in one hand flooding the room.

It was like a connect-the-dot drawing with only one dot

and he couldn’t connect that single dot.

I actually felt sorry for him.

My urge to kill him momentarily went away.


Finally, his boss who was a complete idiot walked up and shoved the banana

up his nose and stuck the hose in his ear.

“What’s for lunch waiter, I’m famished?”

Suddenly being incomplete didn’t seem so bad.

Super Bowl in the Silicon Valley



If you’re like me you know that the only harder than performing

brain surgery drunk is being at guest at a Super Bowl Party.


I never know if I should bring a bottle of wine or save the wine,

so I can drink it all when I get home.


At a Super Bowl party last year  I was greeted at the door by hosts who said:

“Make yourself at home.”


So I went in the kitchen wearing only my boxer shorts

and proceeded to drink out of the milk cartoon in the refrigerator.

I also left the seat up on the toilette.


People say the funniest things after they’ve had a glass of wine or two.


“How about putting on a pair of pants, asshole?!”

“You unholy bastard, that milk was meant for the possum living under the porch!!”

“Who was the son-of-a-bitch who left the toilette seat up and didn’t flush?!”


Hey there’s Bernie Sanders

Me: “Hey Bernie.”

Bernie: ”I left the wine I brought in my car.”

Me: “There’s a possum living under the porch that claims to be carrying your child.”

Bernie: “Did you leave the wine you brought in your car.”

Me: “No. I left it at home.”


Me: “Hey, look everybody it’s Bernie Sanders, the guy who drank all the possum’s milk

through his nose in the bathroom and didn’t flush.”

Baby possum: “Papa?”

264 - Copy - Copy

2/6/16 Preparing for Super Bowl in Silicon Valley and Metallica show in San Francisco tonight.