1st Impressions

impotent

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Super Bowl in the Silicon Valley

2

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If you’re like me you know that the only harder than performing

brain surgery drunk is being at guest at a Super Bowl Party.

 

I never know if I should bring a bottle of wine or save the wine,

so I can drink it all when I get home.

 

At a Super Bowl party last year  I was greeted at the door by hosts who said:

“Make yourself at home.”

 

So I went in the kitchen wearing only my boxer shorts

and proceeded to drink out of the milk cartoon in the refrigerator.

I also left the seat up on the toilette.

 

People say the funniest things after they’ve had a glass of wine or two.

Like:

“How about putting on a pair of pants, asshole?!”

“You unholy bastard, that milk was meant for the possum living under the porch!!”

“Who was the son-of-a-bitch who left the toilette seat up and didn’t flush?!”

 

Hey there’s Bernie Sanders

Me: “Hey Bernie.”

Bernie: ”I left the wine I brought in my car.”

Me: “There’s a possum living under the porch that claims to be carrying your child.”

Bernie: “Did you leave the wine you brought in your car.”

Me: “No. I left it at home.”

 

Me: “Hey, look everybody it’s Bernie Sanders, the guy who drank all the possum’s milk

through his nose in the bathroom and didn’t flush.”

Baby possum: “Papa?”

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2/6/16 Preparing for Super Bowl in Silicon Valley and Metallica show in San Francisco tonight.

Trained Monkey

emonkey2

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My boss said a trained monkey
could do my job.

Great now I have to compete
against educated monkeys.

I wonder what makes him think he
can treat a monkey

the way he treats me without the
monkey killing him?

Plus, I think there are laws
protecting monkeys

against such cruelty.

Maybe he should replace me with a
silverback gorilla.

Then the first time he said to the
gorilla “Let’s go open kimono.”

The gorilla could tear off his
genitals.

If the gorilla had a
well-developed sense of humor

he could then offer my boss a
banana.

I saw a baboon in a suit reading a
magazine sitting in the lobby.

Perhaps he was there to interview
for my job.

Wait until he finds out my boss
has no bananas

and no genitals to tear off.

Suddenly the job doesn’t seem so
glamorous does it?

My boss said a trained monkey
could do my job.

He must really hate monkeys.