Informing Others When the Sun Blows Up

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Yesterday the Sun blew up.

I’m sorry to have to inform you.

Especially if you slept in because it was still dark outside,

you were late for work, and were subsequently fired.

If on the other hand you are a night watchman,

you may not have noticed.

Again, I’m sorry to have to inform you if you are the kind

of person people tend to not tell things or trust with secrets.

As it was on the 5 o’clock news yesterday,

but not the late night news you may have missed the story.

The newspapers also didn’t carry anything about it today.

So, if you missed this news I am sorry to have to inform you.

If it is your day off and you are laying at the beach,

so you can work on your sun tan might I suggest you

do practically anything else. Well, anything else not

involving the Sun. I’m sorry to have to inform you if you

are not a detail-oriented person and the detail of the Sun

blowing up had escaped you.

Today the Moon blew up.

I’m sorry to have to inform you, especially if you had been planning

to move to the moon, since the Sun blew up.

Your Voting Responsibility

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I hear some people say:

“Don’t blame me…I didn’t vote.”

What a cop out.

We all have a civic duty to vote.

I prefer the much more socially responsible:

“Don’t blame me…I don’t care.”

Or…

“Don’t blame me…when I regained consciousness in that voting booth,

after all the screaming, I was more concerned with finding my pants

than voting.”

Or…

Sometimes a simple compliment to the proud non-voter

works best.

“If only you had voted…

everything would have turned out differently.”

They also have to let you leave work to vote.

And it’s great.

They give you one of those “I voted” stickers.

Two if you ask for a 2nd.

You can wear them as pasties.

Which is frowned upon if you are a man

and wear them back to work,

but a good way to get HR to let you go home early.

Personally, I feel if you don’t vote you have no right to complain.

And I love to complain,

so I guess that’s why I love to vote.

Well, that and the pasties.

Electric Dream Journal

The World’s Richest Man

If I were the world’s richest man.
I would buy the world’s biggest diamond.
Or the world’s biggest monkey.
It’s a hard decision to make.
I’m glad I won’t have to make it.
Because I’m not the world’s richest man.
That’s probably how he got so rich.
Making these kind of the hard decisions.

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Garage Sale

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When I have a garage sale I usually put out a lot of signs

all around the neighborhood.

And at the bottom of the sign I write:

“Free Sex Toys.”

 

This always draws a lot of people.

 

I tell everyone they should have been there earlier all the sex toys are gone,

but we have a lot of other good stuff they might like.

 

I show everyone my shrunken head collection

and serve lemonade.

 

Some guy with Maori tattoos cuts in line

to get the last stick of celery.

 

By early afternoon there few beverage coasters

not on the ground.

 

Most importantly I always want everyone to leave with a smile

on their face.

 

That’s why I have my  grandmother dressed in a clown suit

doing a crossword puzzle the end of the driveway.

 

She just sits there and repeats:

“So, did you get your free sex toy?”