“Wait until I tell my Mom about this!”
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Yesterday the Sun blew up.
I’m sorry to have to inform you.
Especially if you slept in because it was still dark outside,
you were late for work, and were subsequently fired.
If on the other hand you are a night watchman,
you may not have noticed.
Again, I’m sorry to have to inform you if you are the kind
of person people tend to not tell things or trust with secrets.
As it was on the 5 o’clock news yesterday,
but not the late night news you may have missed the story.
The newspapers also didn’t carry anything about it today.
So, if you missed this news I am sorry to have to inform you.
If it is your day off and you are laying at the beach,
so you can work on your sun tan might I suggest you
do practically anything else. Well, anything else not
involving the Sun. I’m sorry to have to inform you if you
are not a detail-oriented person and the detail of the Sun
blowing up had escaped you.
Today the Moon blew up.
I’m sorry to have to inform you, especially if you had been planning
to move to the moon, since the Sun blew up.
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I hear some people say:
“Don’t blame me…I didn’t vote.”
What a cop out.
We all have a civic duty to vote.
I prefer the much more socially responsible:
“Don’t blame me…I don’t care.”
“Don’t blame me…when I regained consciousness in that voting booth,
after all the screaming, I was more concerned with finding my pants
Sometimes a simple compliment to the proud non-voter
“If only you had voted…
everything would have turned out differently.”
They also have to let you leave work to vote.
And it’s great.
They give you one of those “I voted” stickers.
Two if you ask for a 2nd.
You can wear them as pasties.
Which is frowned upon if you are a man
and wear them back to work,
but a good way to get HR to let you go home early.
Personally, I feel if you don’t vote you have no right to complain.
And I love to complain,
so I guess that’s why I love to vote.
Well, that and the pasties.
The World’s Richest Man
If I were the world’s richest man.
I would buy the world’s biggest diamond.
Or the world’s biggest monkey.
It’s a hard decision to make.
I’m glad I won’t have to make it.
Because I’m not the world’s richest man.
That’s probably how he got so rich.
Making these kind of the hard decisions.
Defer to his superior business judgment:
“Before I sit down…do you think there’s enough toilette paper
left on that toilette paper roll?
Ask your boss for advice based on his vast organizational knowledge:
“How long has this pot of coffee been sitting here?”
Be sure to take advantage of his unparalleled financial mind:
“Where is the best place around here to buy a hotdog?”
Learn from his deep analytical problem solving skills:
“Should I put the ice in the glass before the water or after?”
Use him as a mentor to develop your own technical prowess:
“Can you show me how to operate this paper clip?”
Turn to him as a sounding board for you own career:
“Kill me if I become like you?”
Command the respect of others by emulating his communication style:
“I am not engaged, nor have I ever been engaged to that duck!”
Recognize and acknowledge his strong people skills:
“Who is that naked person hiding in your car?”
Let him set an example for the group on decisive decision making:
“Are we going with the blue monkey or the orange monkey?”
Compliment him on any family photos he may have in his office:
“Clown family escapes from circus.”
Emulate his leadership style in your own meetings:
“OK. Who sat on my lunch?!