Written in Blue Mercury

snow falls

as silently as sleep

pressed snowflakes

icicle flowers

between the wind and windowpane

melt their way to sill


polished chrome darkness shivers

ankle deep in frost

night’s breath spills

along the  frozen glass

its silver shadow rolls

and condenses with the dawn


night’s epitaph

written in blue mercury

trickles down my windowpane

in the light of a new day

Why I Choose Not to be President



Now you can buy toothpaste that helps get rid of “tartar.”

That’s strange.

When I was growing up

I think it used to be called “plaque.”

“Tartar” was something that dogs got.

Are we now seeing “tartar” protecting toothpaste,

because people are eating more dog food?

Seems like the  only possible explanation.

So anyway, I was using some of this new “tartar” toothpaste

to brush my dog’s teeth.

He tried to mate with my leg the entire time.

with foam coming out of his mouth.

It made it look like he had rabies.

It made a bit of a scene as I accepted my Nobel Prize.

I could tell the President was jealous.

He looked at his secret service agents.

But the fact that he was seated in the middle

of the best table in the front with the freshest flowers

in the prettiest vase rang hollow.

Bitterly hollow.

Sometimes you can be the most powerful man in the world,

but what does it all mean without a foaming mouth dog

trying to mate with your leg?

A Frankenstein Christmas




First the cavemen built a snowman out of rocks.

They stacked 3 rocks of decreasing size on top of each other

and then used 2 rocks for eyes and a rock for a nose.

These rocks dropped to the ground.

Then the cavemen dragged a large rock into their cave

and made a Christmas tree out of it.

They decorated it with rocks as ornaments

and put a rock on top as a star.

Those rocks dropped to the ground.

Finally, the 3 wise men arrived at their cave.

The guy bringing frankincense was Frankenstein.

Over the years Christmas traditions and practices

were further refined.

Frankenstein’s role was gradually reduced.

Alien Dentist

Alien Dentist: Well, your x-rays show no cavities how about the probe?

Me: No. No probe.

Alien Dentist: Well, that does it for your cleaning how about the probe?

Me: No thanks. No probe.

Alien Dentist: Well, your fluoride treatment is complete how about the probe?

Me: No. Enough already with the probe!

Alien Dentist: OK, but the probe is the only thing covered by you dental insurance.