Written in Blue Mercury

snow falls

as silently as sleep

pressed snowflakes

icicle flowers

between the wind and windowpane

melt their way to sill


polished chrome darkness shivers

ankle deep in frost

night’s breath spills

along the  frozen glass

its silver shadow rolls

and condenses with the dawn


night’s epitaph

written in blue mercury

trickles down my windowpane

in the light of a new day


The Day I Got Out of Bed

One day I got out of bed.

The following day I did not get out of bed.

Later that year I once again got out of bed.

It had been a full and rewarding life.

Looking back I wouldn’t have changed a thing.

Well… except possibly those days I got out of bed.

Why I Choose Not to be President



Now you can buy toothpaste that helps get rid of “tartar.”

That’s strange.

When I was growing up

I think it used to be called “plaque.”

“Tartar” was something that dogs got.

Are we now seeing “tartar” protecting toothpaste,

because people are eating more dog food?

Seems like the  only possible explanation.

So anyway, I was using some of this new “tartar” toothpaste

to brush my dog’s teeth.

He tried to mate with my leg the entire time.

with foam coming out of his mouth.

It made it look like he had rabies.

It made a bit of a scene as I accepted my Nobel Prize.

I could tell the President was jealous.

He looked at his secret service agents.

But the fact that he was seated in the middle

of the best table in the front with the freshest flowers

in the prettiest vase rang hollow.

Bitterly hollow.

Sometimes you can be the most powerful man in the world,

but what does it all mean without a foaming mouth dog

trying to mate with your leg?

Alien Dentist

Alien Dentist: Well, your x-rays show no cavities how about the probe?

Me: No. No probe.

Alien Dentist: Well, that does it for your cleaning how about the probe?

Me: No thanks. No probe.

Alien Dentist: Well, your fluoride treatment is complete how about the probe?

Me: No. Enough already with the probe!

Alien Dentist: OK, but the probe is the only thing covered by you dental insurance.