Einstein Reinvents HR

Some people like to complain.
We think of these people as responsible
Responsible for all the complaining.

HR person: You may be offending someone and not even know it.
Me: I may be offending someone and not even care.

When a mother leans out of a burning building says:
“Who will save my baby?!!”
Nobody’s asking you to be a hero.
And nobody has to worry.

But what most people want in such a situation
is someone they can count on.
Count on to be complaining

You: It’s too hot.
You: The sun’s in my eyes. Oh, that’s a fire.
You: They keep making my pants size smaller and smaller.

Or you’re getting bigger.
Its relative you can ask Einstein.

Einstein: You got that big being vegan?

HR person: You may be offending someone and not even know it.
Einstein: As you approach the speed of light your mass will become infinite.

David Hawking: Without gravity there would be no yo-yo’s.

Who likes Cheese?

Who likes cheese?
Well mice.
People that eat grilled cheese sandwiches.
And sharks.
We all have so much in common.
With the exception that one of us has gills.
So why can’t they all get along.
Is it the gills?
It’s the gills thing isn’ t it?
It’s always the gills.
And possibly that sharks eat people
and  grilled cheese and mice sandwiches.
Probably it is still more the gills.
It’s just hard to get past the gills thing.

Fred: Hi. Can we be friends.
Me: Lose the gills.

 

cheese

 

 

Revolution Cheese

revCheese

“Cheese now!”
Was the message on the billboard.
“Legalize Cheese!”
Read the sign on the post of the protester.
The pastor of the 2nd largest church in America started his Sunday radio sermon
“Let us pray for cheese.”
The ground swell of support for cheese in just the last few months had been astonishing.
Whereas, cheese was once only served in prisons and on airlines there were now entire restaurant
districts in New York and Tokyo catering to those who ate cheese.
Mice and sharks were happy being the largest consumers
of cheese in nature.
A man climbed the Empire State Building naked
with a piece of cheddar cheese strapped to his back.
A prominent government scientist proclaimed the internet
would soon be replaced with cheese.
Still there was something lacking in Bill’s life.
A life that on the surface appeared to be ideal.
Great wife, great family, great job.
Nice house,  nice car, financial stability.
Yet, there was an undefined, nagging emptiness
that gnawed at his soul.
Gnawed at his soul that is until…
His wife gave him a piece of cheese.

The Jesus Christ Donut

So, it was Donut Friday.
Suddenly, my boss burst into the break room
and declared he saw the image of “Jesus Christ”
on all the donuts with sprinkles.
Then he declared what he actually saw was his image
and proceeded to eat all the donuts with sprinkles.

My boss: Why are you looking at me like that?
Me: Jesus Christ.

 

 

 

 

 

I went home early Friday to watch the World Series, put left this playing at full volume in our locked server room for which only I have key.

You could still hear in the front lobby at midnight on Friday.

happiness expert

At work we hired a happiness expert.
Made me want to die.

Later in our  couch session:

It’s taboo to take a bubble bath
with your toaster
Most people consider squirrels
cute rodents
what about a rat dressed
as the Easter Bunny for Halloween?
They say that pork is the “other white meat”
but everyone knows dolphin
is the “other white meat.”

Regarding our boss…
I put his piggy bank in a fire safe in his coffin
as I’m sure he will burn in hell.

Happiness Expert: Why wait? I have a can of gasoline and blow torch.
Me: Now I’m happy.

 

 

North Pole Popcorn Factory

CrackSanta

I enter a side door that said: “North Pole Popcorn Factory.”
There were row upon row upon row of Christmas trees.
The elves were pulling down the strands of popcorn and carefully pulling
the popcorn off the string and putting it into tamper proof packages.
I turned to the head elf who had a big scar on his face and a broken nose
that healed crooked and said: “Is this where popcorn comes from?”

Scar Elf: “Yes.”

Me: “Wouldn’t it be easier if you just bought the popcorn at the grocery store?”

Scar Elf: “They don’t have room for all the Christmas trees.”

Me: “What do you do with the trees after you de-popcorn them?”

Scar Elf: “We add more tinsel.”

And so it went until Christmas Eve when all the children were in their beds,
then Santa came in looked at all the Christmas trees and said

“Christ, not again.”

And punched Scar Elf in the nose.

Dancing cats are here again.

 

 

dog interview

106

1st Interviewer: “OK, well thanks for letting me sniff your butt.”
2nd Interviewer: “OK, well thanks for letting me sniff your butt.”
3rd Interviewer: “OK, well thanks for letting me sniff your butt.”
Group meeting.
3rd  Interviewer: “Well, should we hire him?
1st Interviewer: “What are you crazy, he wanted to sniff my butt.”