Facts

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All the dead aliens in Area 51 turned out to be weather balloons.

Were some of them “snakes” that had been put in decompression chambers to avoid

getting the “bends” after deep-sea diving?

Yes. All of them.

 

Sometimes when someone tells you the truth or things called “facts” the best thing to do

is pretend you care.

 

Example:

Young child: Mom where do babies come from?

Mom: The hospital.

How they get there I have no idea.

 

Same young child: Where does the food go that we eat?

Same Mom: I have absolutely no idea.

The hospital?

Do you have any easy questions?

 

Later, that day at Area 51…

Hey, look…

All that that food that people have been eating that went missing…

It all showed up on the Jim’s desk.

The Pretzel of Friendship

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The Pope: You gonna eat that last pretzel?

The Dali Lama: How ‘bout we split it.

And thus was formed a friendship that would last well-beyond the next mass extinction of

dinosaurs on Earth.

God: God, I hate when this happens.

Who would have thought that the dinosaurs would go extinct twice in 500M years from a

meteorite strike?

The Dali Lama: Don’t take is so hard friend, at least the Cubbies won it all last year!

God: That’s right the Cubs won it all last year and I enjoyed it with a friend.

The Dali Lama: That’s what friends are for…

Awkward Social Situation

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When people ask me if I have a girl friend

I am too embarrassed to say “No”.

It’s an awkward social situation.

So, I tell them I’m in a same-sex relationship with myself.

Which, without giving details,

I suppose is technically is correct.

You can ask my right hand.

 

This turns people’s faces to an emotion

that I would characterize as “disgust.”

 

But at least it’s not awkward.

My Boss’s Interview from Hell

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Satan: Why do you want to work here?

Boss: Everyone’s been telling me I should go here?

Satan: We have an opening on manager’s row, but you’ll

have to share an office with Hitler.

Boss: What’s Hitler doing in Hell?

Satan: Very good. Now I see how you became a boss.

Satan: Do you have any experience purchasing souls?

Boss: Generally, I rent them over night and then just never return them.

Satan: How do you feel about people viewing you as “evil?”

Boss: I’m unaffected by jealousy.

Satan: How do you feel about God?

Boss: I’m comfortable with the job title.

Satan: How are your Powerpoint skills?

Boss: Sometimes I can talk about one slide for over an hour.

Satan: Perfect. The  Powerpoint presentation from hell.

Satan: How do you feel about water-boarding?

Boss: I need a bigger desk.

Satan: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Boss: Probably as Satan or I’d start my own hell.

Satan: Any questions for me?

Boss: When can I get that bigger desk?

Frankenstein and the Mad Scientist

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Frankenstein was created by a mad scientist.

He was mad when Frankenstein would misplace his car keys.

He was mad when Frankenstein used up all the hot water during his shower.

He was mad when Frankenstein drank out of the open milk carton in

the refrigerator.

Frankenstein wanted the scientist to stop being so mad.

So on Father’s Day he snuck up behind him and gave him a great big bear hug.

Unfortunately, Frankenstein wasn’t able to control his super-monster strength

And he squeezed too hard and the scientist’s eye’s popped out.

At least he’s not mad any more.