all my friends are ghosts

I’ll tell about my favorite place in Italy
Venice. For this reason…
It’s a city of stone and masonry built upon
a million tree trunks pile driven into the lagoon
It doesn’t even make sense that such city exists.
Which makes being there…magical.
You can place an idea like a kitten
in a cardboard box and hope
it shows up on Christmas morning
but even if you’re lucky you get it right once a year.
You can see tomorrow coming
It’s in your rear view mirror
How did that happen?
One day you want something
And then it’s already behind you
Life’s magic the magician’s
white gloved hands distracts us
to perform the trick
one thing I have observed
is that with every passing day
all of us are dying
but very few are living
Life is short
Which makes being here…magical.

All my friends are ghosts.

 

 

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It’s a Ghost Party

 

I went to the ghost party.
There was no water slide.
First I screamed.
Then I really screamed.
Then I helped myself to some toast and orange juice.
The ghosts came in to see what all the screaming was about.
One of the ghosts had died.
This had never happened before.
Then that ghost’s ghost appeared.
The other ghosts were terrified and screamed.
One ghost asked if he was a cat.
I screamed.
Then I drank my orange juice.
Another ghost asked if I was a cat.
I told him no and then screamed.
God appeared and waved his wand
bringing the ghosts ghost back to ghost life.
God: Are you wondering why I brought you back to life?
Ghost: No.
God screamed.
Most of the ghosts had never met God
and enjoyed meeting him.
One ghost asked if he was a cat.
When God told him he was not the ghost screamed.
I took a bite of my toast.
God saw a cat.
God screamed.
The neighbors next door had a water slide.
God asked to see their selection of party appetizers.
Then we heard that Santa Claus had just died.
God had never met Santa Claus
and looked forward to meeting him.
When the ghost of Santa Claus arrived
he went directly to buffet table.
A ghost mistook him for a cat and screamed.
God asked Santa Claus what he was getting for Christmas.
Santa Claus: A water slide.
And a cat. Well, a ghost cat.
God screamed.
Santa Claus went to pour himself a glass of orange juice,
but there was only a little bit of orange juice left
at the bottom of the picture.
Instead, he compensated
by putting extra cream cheese on his bagel.
A ghost entered the room followed by a cat.
Santa Claus screamed.
God screamed.
I screamed.
God and Santa Claus went next store.
And asked if they could use the neighbor’s water slide.
The neighbor said no.
God and Santa Claus screamed.
God crossed the neighbors name off his list.
God and Santa Claus crawled through
the neighbor bathroom window.
Santa Claus knew the neighbor was worthless in the morning
without his coffee and could never find his glasses.
God crossed out the word Ben Gay and wrote Preparation H
The next morning the neighbor screamed.
A cop showed up and asked what was with all the screaming.
God let Santa Claus cross the cops name off his list.
It was one swinging party.
Hmmm.

My apologies this story was ghost written.

monster babysitter

Proper screening of babysitters is important.
Me: So I understand you babysat the Hansen children.
Monster: Yep. Ate ’em.
Me: And it says here that you took care of the Johnson twins,
while their parents were in Mazatlan.
Monster: Yep. Ate ’em.
Me: Do you have any children of your own?
Monster: Did. Ate ’em.
Me: Are you free Saturday night?

 

 

I was born in a Cemetery

I’d like to dig a tunnel maze underneath a cemetery
from grave to grave.
I would pretend I was a gopher.
Perhaps a gopher with supernatural powers and a cape.
Or Popeye.
It really doesn’t matter to me.
Not if my life leads me to digging
tunnel maze underneath a cemetery
from grave to grave.
It’s like my parents locked me underground
in a cemetery for 10 years
after I was born
God
I hate when that happens.

Mom?

 

 

fear itself

Franklin Delano Roosevelt:
We have nothing to fear, but fear itself.
Well, and of course snakes. Snakes are pretty scary.
So, we have nothing to fear, but fear itself and snakes.
Be sure not to leave out that part about snakes.

Teddy Roosevelt:
Walk softly and carry a big stick.
You’ll never know when you’ll encounter a snake.
Oh God, what if the snake has a stick?

The more I think about it,
better make sure that stick is pretty big.
What if you run into Frankenstein? He’s pretty scary.
What if Frankenstein has a snake?

What if that snake has a stick?

Franklin Delano Roosevelt:
Hello Teddy, I’m coming over I think there’s a snake loose
in the neighborhood.

Teddy Roosevelt:
Hi Franklin, I was just going to call you.
I’m not sure that I have a stick big enough to take care
of Frankenstein and a snake.
Can you stop by Mom’s on the way over.

Mom Roosevelt:
Hello Franklin. Do you have time to stay for dinner?
Are you boys having problems with snakes again?

Franklin Delano Roosevelt:
Well, snakes and Frankenstein.

Abraham Lincoln’s ghost:
I swallowed a porcupine.
He passed through my system painfully.
Now when I pee I leak like a sieve.

Roosevelt brothers:
With this Kyptonite  stick from Superman we feel invincible.

Superman:
Eeek! A snake.
Eeeeeek! Frankenstein.

 

 

zombie slumber party

 

I went to the zombie slumber party.

Everybody was there.

There in their pajamas.

Then some zombie came out of the bedroom in his pajamas…

wearing a pair of socks.

It was so insane!

Milk shot out of Dave’s nose.

I tried to sleep on the couch, but Tim’s Mom made
everyone sleep on the floor.

She said she didn’t want anyone throwing up on her new couch.

I felt better when Billy woke up in the middle of the night
and thew up on her new couch.

Milk shot out of Dave’s nose.

Joey dumped the cat box on the new couch to try to help absorb the mess.

Milk shot out of Dave’s nose. (All over the couch.)

In the morning Tim’s mother angrily called Ikea and told them
the couch had been damaged during delivery.

Milk shot out of Dave’s nose.

Later, Tim’s mother served us cereal for breakfast.

I’m pretty sure she used milk that had been
shot out of Dave’s nose.